Why yes, I AM scared

Written yesterday, 13 February 2011

Why yes, I AM scared of surgery, particularly major organ surgery--like a C-section.

As a planned C-section becomes more and more of a reality, I feel increasingly pessimistic and even dreadful. Of course, I want a healthy baby and a healthy me.

But everyone (the generic "everyone") forgets--or rather, conveniently refuses to read--an "elective" C-section is NOT in the baby's best interest. (I use "elective" reluctantly, as there really has been no other choice for me. I've been sentenced to a c-section since I had C, it turns out.) The baby's Agpar scores will be affected (for the worse), there are higher chances of respiratory issues, etc. Nor is "elective" C-section in my best interest, either. My chances of having a hysterectomy during the C-section skyrocket, and the risk of maternal mortality augments exponentially. Having known four women who died in childbirth/due to complications of childbirth, this is not something I take "lightly."

And this fear...it paralyzes me. I don't know if I will one day want more children. I don't plan on it, but the history of this blog reflects how much you really cannot plan on anything.

What absolutely kills me, though, is that our society and culture will deem me selfish for just having thoughts of not wanting a C-section. Or I'll be damned because I HAD what is thought to be an "elective" C-section. We damn mothers from the very beginning.

Even though this mother has her child's best interest at heart...and I imagine most other mother's who feel similarly do as well.

I know I have the option of scheduling a C-section and not showing up. Legally, there's nothing they can do. But: I know I don't have familial support for this. I can picture A telling my parents and his parents. So unless this is going to be a renegade birth by me, by myself in some forest somewhere--which doesn't sound nice to me at all--is just not going to happen.

I'm also too loyal and honest to do that. I respect the doctor not just professionally but personally. I could never do that to him and place him in such an awkward position.

Plus, it just seems dumb to piss off the one person you trust to perform a C-section.

This is just one more example of how messed up our health care system is. Being female teaches you how horribly skewed health care is concerning reproductive rights as a result of laws.

We make contraceptives difficult to obtain. Yes, the majority of the contraceptive responsibility still falls upon women.

We make abortion prohibitively expensive, and next to impossible to obtain in well over 90% of the country.

We treat pregnancy like a disease, no matter how healthy the mother and fetus are.

Yet, women cannot be trusted to take care of themselves throughout it all.

I'm frustrated, furious, and tired. Basic care of myself and basic rights during my child-bearing years should be a human right, not a constant fight and battle with legislative bodies--mostly composed of non-medically trained men.

____

I wrote that yesterday. I'm meeting with my ob-gyn around 3 this afternoon. I imagine we'll be scheduling the C-section then. After I wrote all this yesterday, I went out into the garden and spent a good 2 hours attempting to labor myself into labor. . .

The yard looks nice, at least. Some new plants should be taking root and growing quite lovely over the next few months, including broccoli and lavender.