On Friday, I thought it would be nice to bring my partner
lunch. I pulled into a parking spot by a corner where some guy was standing.
The guy attracted my attention due to the sombrero-like hat on his head. The
hat caught my attention because it was a hat like B used to have.
Of course, the person standing at the corner was B.
Yep, there he was. Green pants. Crimson shirt. Straw
sombrero. Black backpack strapped to his thin back, standing in the sun, wearing
sandals, eating pizza from the box.
I sat, the car idling in the parking space. Does he see me? No. One car separated us. I thought about getting out and walking past him. Would he recognize me? Could I walk past him without him seeing me?
Not in this town. Hardly anyone was out. It was blazing hot and sunny. How could he not see me walk right by him?
I waited a bit, shaking. Then I turned the key in the ignition, and put the car in reverse. My eyes stayed on him, in the rear view mirror, until I turned.
I sat, the car idling in the parking space. Does he see me? No. One car separated us. I thought about getting out and walking past him. Would he recognize me? Could I walk past him without him seeing me?
Not in this town. Hardly anyone was out. It was blazing hot and sunny. How could he not see me walk right by him?
I waited a bit, shaking. Then I turned the key in the ignition, and put the car in reverse. My eyes stayed on him, in the rear view mirror, until I turned.
When I could see the intersection again, some 7 minutes
later, he was gone.
Ugh.
It was so odd seeing him. I hadn’t seen him in three years.
I used to see that face every day, but now…it was the face of a stranger. The
facial features were the same, but the person I knew who occupied that space
called his body…that person isn’t there. I don’t know quite how else to
describe it. It was seeing someone I know and someone I don’t know at all.
One thing did hit me, with some relief. As I sat in the car,
looking at him, I thought, “Thank god I don’t have C with me.” And then I
realized, “He wouldn’t recognize C, and she wouldn’t know who he is.”
And yes, I felt relief over that.
And yes, I felt relief over that.
3 comments:
I've seen the man I once loved so much that- that I can't even explain it (who also ceased speaking to me which led to a very bad mental state of my own)- well I've seen him and also his brother (who was like a brother to me) around town periodically. Each time it's like a stab through the heart. It's very different from your situation, but; I must say that it pains me, makes me ache, makes me think of things that I try not to think about, that I no longer feel a need to think about (as opposed to a time when that was all I could think about) and I don't know...
Does it feel like an invasion and an interruption? Like a stabbing - some unwanted insertion of a painful nature? I don't know how you did it- you are so brave. I know how hard it is for me to run into the two guys and god- you actually had real, true relationship and a totally rad child and such a more complex situation- you know you are a STRONG woman don't you? You are strong in a zillion ways BUT this incident hasn't reduced you to mush and for that alone I think you can certainly see this as an example of just how far you've come in life and how strong you really are.
Kind of like our hitch hiked trip in the back of that truck- some things we'd always been told never to do -ride with a stranger, ride in the back of a truck- after having been lost in the woods... I feel almost certainly that had we encountered the same situation in college we would not have reacted any where close to the way we did.
I love you so much and I am so lucky to have someone like you in my life- you help me be brave enough to do things I'd otherwise be more hesitant to do because you believe in me and remind me that somewhere inside I believe in myself. Once upon a time you saved my life and now you've helped me see that it is worth living. That's no small feat and I am so thankful for that. And I am thankful for your constant friendship. My life is better because you are in it; my life is still life because of you being you.
I am so proud that the encounter you had disturbed you and shook you up a bit and still has been more of a distraction than a complete derailment. And not because of your little ones needing you to continue as their awesome mommy, their awesome example of a woman and as an awesome teacher BUT because you've been strong in yourself and you've come to a place where doing what is best for you is what you do. That's awesome.
I can imagine how much of a surprise it must've been to just randomly see him like that, after it's been so long. I'm sure it really must've been like seeing a ghost. ((((((((( hugs )))))))))
Fuck. That's all I could think when I read that it was actually him.
I don't know what to say. But my heart is with you as I read this tonight.
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