Funny, how things haunt you.
This entire weekend, I’ve been “haunted” by things I had forgotten. Memories that resurfaced only after a brief, precursory glance through the photos B put on the laptop he left for C.
I mean…it’s been five years.
Pause. Let that sink in.
Pause. Let that sink in.
FIVE years. Five.
It’s crazy. The weirdest things are the video of me. I can hear in my voice my attempts to be happy. To paint a nice picture for what I thought would be our children, but turned out to be our child. Well, more my child, but that sounds like I’m possessive of a human being.
Maybe I am. For her well-being, happiness, safety.
I digress (as usual).
In the early videos, I can tell how naïve I am. That I don’t know the final outcome. Alas, there was no way of knowing. I knew something was wrong, but in the very, very early stages…I had no idea just how serious and scary the invisible beast I was dealing with was.
It hurts to watch more than 30 seconds.
In the later videos, I sound wary. Tired. Unbelieving in almost everything. Hearing my voice, hearing his voice, hearing our conversations and exchanges…it’s like reliving this all over again.
I had forgotten so much.
One of the early videos involved his doing an “art project.” Later, I came to see his “art projects” as BS outlets for his illness. In all honesty, many of them were crap, and I resented how “brilliant” he and his parents thought they were. I often questioned my own sanity.
I couldn’t help but skim over the video feeling like I was the art project, his entire illness and C were nothing but an art project on my psyche. I was the butt of the joke.
And five years later, I’m still reeling.
On the way back from school today, C and I were listening to Radiohead. “I laugh until my head comes off, women and children first…”
C said, “He’s a daddy, but his head is sick, so he can’t be a daddy any more, right?”
Wow. Eeerie.
That was the beginning of your life, my sweet C, I thought.
That was the beginning of your life, my sweet C, I thought.
3 comments:
I think its amazing that you were able to move on and have a healthy relationship with another person after this experience. I had a friend in grad school who had a similiar experience with a boyfriend (no child though) and she has not been, to my knowledge. I even met him and he seemed very smart, very interesting, etc. It was so hard as she was very intelligent to. But I think he had schizophrenia and ended up becoming homeless, she is not sure what happened to him either. It says alot about your character and your heart that you are working through this, kudos!
aly
Time stops for nothing, and we can't always keep up with it. Some things always hurt. I admire you for being a good mom to C through all of this.
I know that sometimes you don't feel super-healthy, sweetheart, but when it comes right down to it, you have always (and continue to) make the decisions that may not be easy, but ultimately ensure that what needs to be done is done, in relation to your daughter's health and continued wellbeing. You're a pretty swell mom and both your kiddos are super-lucky to have you in their corner. ((HUGS))
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