Update

I haven’t blogged in a bit because it’s been quite an emotional roller coaster of late.

On February 20^th, the Monday before the medical abortion was scheduled, I broke down at work. I work with my father, so he asked me (discretely) what was wrong.

“I don’t think—I think I want to continue this pregnancy. It’s crazy, it makes no sense—“
My dad wrapped his arms around me and held me. “Have you talked to A?”
“Not yet. I’m just now realizing this”

I went home and talked to A. He broke down in tears of relief. He hadn’t wanted to have an abortion (again), but thought that it was what I wanted and we both knew that it made sense.

I was being too logical and not listening to my heart.

So . . . on the 22^nd, when I was supposed to be at the clinic, I called my ob-gyn/mw and made an appointment. I saw them the next Thursday. Everything looked good.

And then, the first Monday in March, the blood came.

I started miscarrying. I was put on bed rest that whole week. In a situation like that, bed rest is a curse. You’re left with your own thoughts about how your body is failing you, you’re searching for some way to blame yourself for this.

I know the statistics. I know many miscarriages occur.

That doesn’t stop it from feeling utterly unfair.

This miscarriage IS proving harder to heal from than the one in October.  We were *this close* to having an abortion, and then changed our minds. I spent almost two weeks happily pregnant. The morning sickness kicked in. 

And without warning, there was blood on March 5^th.
My due date was October 18^th.

To those who donated, thank you. I was—and still am—touched by your support and generosity. I believe that your money has been refunded or is in the process of being refunded. (((((Huge hugs))))) to you all. It was a nice reminder of how powerful sisterhood is.

Law school update to come...later. This took a lot of emotional energy to write out.

xo