It's human nature to seek patterns when they don't exist. I catch myself doing this all the time.
And right now, Fuck February. You are a month that almost ruins me for some unknown reason. (Minus E's birthday).
So...
last night, I tried to talk to A. TALK. And that went horribly. I'm standing up for myself, saying, "Hey, we're a team, let's work on this together." and he sees this as a prime opportunity to tell me I'm a "neglectful mom."
I stayed calm on the outside. I said that we weren't talking about that.
But he can't stay away from it. Or other criticisms of me.
Look, ass, I know I'm not fucking perfect--guess what? Neither are you. And if I'm really that neglectful a parent, why on earth would you leave me with the kids ALL THE TIME?
I asked him if he loved me.
"You're being dramatic."
"I don't feel like you love me. My feelings just are. Do you love me?"
He said he did.
I'm not feeling it.
Cue "What's love got to do with it?" because he just can't shut up and not criticize me. Dude, I'm not asking for your permission to do X, Y, or Z or feel a certain way.
I took off my rings. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck February. Can something good happen?
No. Because this morning, C requested that I try to get in touch with B.
Now, B made it clear he wanted me to call. So I call. I get his mother, who I don't miss and if I were to hate anyone in this world, it would be here. She doesn't even ask me about C, her ONLY GRANDCHILD. I mean, I haven't spoken to these people since...I think it was '09 or '10 she called me and wanted to know if I knew where her son was. I have respected B's wishes and not "bothered" them since 2008.
So she stonewalls me. It was so obvious. it would be laughable if I weren't so hurt by A and now this. I asked to speak with B, and she said something like, "May I help you?"
What I wanted to say, "No, bitch, not unless you fucking die or decide to be a nice person, and we both know neither of those are going to happen. I don't want you're goddamn money. Fuck, I didn't want to talk to you. I know you think I was/am a gold-digger, and I think you're a soulless ass."
Or something nasty like that.
Instead I just said, "No, you can't. Thanks and good-bye." And hung up.
So now I'm hating myself even more. I don't see much good in life right now. I'm looking at a LoR a former peer of mine wrote, and it's amazing. T, I'll call her, T, wrote:
"During our time as colleagues, I found [Fragile-Ego] to be an astute and committed philosopher, engaged in both Ancient and contemporary analytic philosophy. She was also an adept teacher, wielding an admirable grasp of the material. She both inspired respect and sported a disarming demeanor that rendered her instantly likeable and approachable while teaching complex philosophical theories."
So I'm trying to focus on that. Because you know what? That made me cry happy tears. I'm okay with that. I can use a lot more happy tears.
I can use a lot more happiness. Or as the ancient Greeks would say, ευδαιμονία (eu̯dai̯monía).
(The wiki entry on the word is right--it doesn't mean happiness, but more thriving or flourishing. And you're most welcome for the unwanted Greek lesson.)
I don't think I really want advice. Maybe concerning my ex, but I just need to be heard. By people in my life who have SHOWN they care, who are honest with me without being cruel about my fuck-ups, etc.
Lots to mull over here. :/
3 comments:
Hey Whit,
You don't want advice. But I have been through kind of thing. With guys who like to dish out a lot of criticism while having lazy tendencies themselves (which sounds like both of our husbands from what I can tell), I have found this to work for me. Do not believe anything he says about how you parent, how you are as a "wife" (hopefully you haven't had to deal with the whole "your a bad wife" bullshit, or basically anything he says about you whatsoever. If he drinks excessively and can't act responsibly (which is what it seems from what you've posted) his opinion of you is totally invalid. You trump him in every way. You do more work, you watch the kids more, etc. So don't listen or internalize anything he says. I have heard "plexiglass" thinking, his words bounce off is great way to do this. I can honestly say that after about a year of verbal derision if you choose to not listen or put any truth in what he says, you will get to a point where you laugh at all his criticisms internally and it sounds to you no like nothing more than, "I'm eating potato chips" or "I am green" (point it will have no effect). I cant promise this for you but it has worked for me. Once I got to a point of feeling so bad about myself I just said, no this sucks I dont really believe him one day and since then I literally dont. The only negative is that you tend to overcompensate with some narcisstic tendencies (but that can be kind of fun). Then you get to a place of pros and cons and do you want to put up with this anymore. Then you can make that choice and even if its something seemingly shallow like, I will stay for now because its convenient, you will be more at peace with yourself. Not to say you wont still be angry with him for being a douchebag (you will) but then you remind yourself that he's a douchebag. It sucks, but it can be liberating in that if you stop believing his lies and crap, you will start listening to your honest assessment of yourself and grow as a person. And then you can also rationalize any of your own behavior towards him because he's a douche (at least I do that on bad days, even when I know better). Better than that, noone will ever be able to hurt you verbally again. For example, anyone who tells me "Your a bitch" to me sounds something like, "Eat my scone" or "Your hair is red" that is to say it has no affect on me (although I will make a mental note of it and very lithelike, use it at some point to my advantage). Beware of the dark side and the potential for manipulation. Once you really believe nothing someone tells you about yourself, your power is absolutely absolute and unfathomable, and power can corrupt.
Aly
Thats not to say you should by any means stick it out a year and I dont reccomend it. But I do reccomend you work on not believing a word of what he says to you about yourself or critiques, if for no other reason, its really fun and an awesome power play thats a bit of a rush (although it probably wrong on some level but whatever). Remember, if you dont believe him he litterally can't win (well not that power over you)
Aly
I hear you. I'm listening, and I hear you.
Even though our interactions are limited, I try to be my "brutally honest" (as I'm told) self with you, and mention anything that bothers me or that I think is a "fuck-up."
I don't think you're doing anything wrong here.
A seems incorrigible, intolerable, and infuriating.
All you can do regarding B, it would seem, is the right thing by C, and steer clear of as much drama as possible (and you did so admirably with the phone call you described).
Hang in there. Text if I can do anything. Anything at all.
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