I think this post may explain some of my silence...
Self Quiz: Am I in an Abusive Relationship?
Below are some questions and checklists to help you determine if you are in an abusive relationship. Answer the questions honestly. If you answer "yes" to any of the following questions, you may be a victim of abuse.
- Do you feel anxious or nervous when you are around your partner?
Yes. - Do you watch what you are doing in order to avoid making your partner angry or upset?
Yes. - Do you feel obligated or coerced into having sex with your partner?
No! - Are you afraid of voicing a different opinion than your partner?
No, but the consequences lead to personal attacks sometimes. The best line was, "That's illogical."
Nice of you to tell me that. - Does your partner criticize you or embarrass you in front of others?
No. - Does your partner always check up on what you have been doing, and not believe your answers?
Sometimes. - Is your partner very jealous and does he accuse you of having affairs?
Sometimes, yes. - Does your partner tell you that he will stop beating you when you start behaving yourself?
Not applicable. - Have you stopped seeing your friends or family because of your partner's behavior?
No, but again, I am criticized for this. - Does your partner's behavior make you feel as if you are wrong?
Yes. - Does your partner threaten to harm you?
No. - Do you try to please your partner rather than yourself in order to avoid being hurt?
I'm not sure exactly--probably sometimes. - Does your partner keep you from going out or doing things that you want to do?
Well, there's little support if there is any. - Do you always feel that nothing you do is ever good enough for your partner?
Absolutely. - Does your partner say that if you try to leave him, you will never see your children again?
No. - Does your partner say that if you try to leave, he will kill himself or you?
No. - Is there always an excuse for your partner's behavior? ("The
alcohol or drugs made me do it? My job is too stressful? If dinner was
on time I wouldn't have hit you! I was just joking!")
YES! - Do you lie to your family, friends and doctor about your bruises, cuts and scratches?
There's no physical abuse, but I sometimes have lied. Or just fallen silent.
- Repeatedly gives you destructive criticism, verbal threats and browbeating.
Yes. I am no optimist (as this blog proves), but my god, he can only see all that is wrong. - Always claims to be right.
About 90% of the time. - Excludes you from making decisions and claims to be the head of the household.
Mostly. - Abuses your trust by lying, hiding important information and papers, cheating or being inappropriately jealous.
Jealous, yes. Nothing else. I am guilty of some of the others because I'm afraid of the consequences. Which is not an excuse, and I feel terrible for it. - Minimizes or denies abusive behavior.
I've not confronted him. I've said, "Let's talk this out." and his response is almost always a cold shoulder and "I don't think there's anything to talk about." - Constantly shows disrespect, puts you down or embarrasses you in front of others.
Disrespect for what I do, yes. Puts me down, yes (to his family.) But you know, he buys into the keeping-up-appearances thing. - Harasses you by following you or checking up on you.
Not that I know of, no. - Prevents you from seeing your relatives or friends or insists on going everywhere with you.
No, but I am given a very hard time if I do, often. - Monitors your phone calls.
He did this once. Then I got a phone with a lock on it, and he can't now.
Thanks for telling me this. Now what?
5 comments:
Hey Whit,
SOrry this is going on. I am currently in an emotionally abusive situation when Matt's meds aren't working (which makes sense, but sucks) also he is an admitted high functioning alcoholic (well high functioning most days). Unfortunately, he taught me to be a little too good at the game so I can turn this on him now (its disturbing how that can happen). Send an email or a call anytime, it sucks, I know. Silence is rough...
ALy
You asked "What now"? Well, that is entirely up to you. If I recall correctly, this has been going on for over a year. From this blog entry, I see you feel you need/want to take action. So do it. You know you have eleventy billion loved ones who will support you in any way we can.
I notice that with the exception of just a few, like #17 and the phone monitoring issue, a lot of the questions/statements you answered affirmatively are actions one can choose to self-martyr.
I am NOT making this your fault. It is NOT your fault.
Something like, "Do you watch what you are doing in order to avoid making your partner angry or upset?" can either be the action of an abused person avoiding a beating (whether physical or emotional), or someone who just doesn't want to rock the boat in general. On an average day, who wants to make someone else angry? Avoidance isn't always an abuse flag. If he's going to be pissy and mad about something, so be it. That's his problem.
I hope this makes some sense. And I could be totally wrong. I haven't seen you happy with A since I met you. I barely know him, and I'm not judging him either way from this quiz. I'm looking at you instead, because I do know you and care about you and I want to offer any insight I can.
Take care of yourself. You are not alone!
Whit,
What really helped me figure out leaving versus staying is to do a list of pros and cons. Obviously if you feel you are in any kind of danger, you should try your best to leave. If you are not, it really comes down to what you want and where you are happy as being your best person. I think the other person admitting their faults can also make a big difference towards recovery. There is also marital counseling available now, I believe there are several types available through Obamacare. The thing that worked for me though, was to weigh the pros and cons as objectively as possible and then lay down the line. You also have to be strong enough throughout to know that these things are not your fault. I decided to stay for now, because Matt has admitted to having problems and is trying to work towards change. Also my cons right now dont exceed my pros. You can go about this any way you want, but pros and cons can help you be clearheaded about it. Also, your spouses support is not a reason to stop trying the work you do. It sucks, but I get the same flack about support from Matt. My job pays about as much as his but his takes precedent. I was going crazy doing everything but the bills and drop-off literally. So I may not work next year. That sucks that I lost and our careers cant be equal, but its the choice I am making right now. If you choose to continue activism, you can do this even without him. The greatest things in life have always met opposition but it makes them no less worthwhile (look at MLK....)
aly
Re: "#9", are you sure? I haven't seen you since October. You say you're coming to an event, and we never see you. He IS keeping you from your friends.
Re: "What do I do now?" You know what you need to do. Leave his sorry ass in the dirt. Dysmonia is correct. You have eleventy billion friends who will support you. You can't heal or move on to betterness, until you kick him out.
And kick HIM out. Don't leave and let him have the house. You and your children need that.
Liesle
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