Now it's September . . .

A lovely friend of mine asked keeps asking me to post here so…

An update:

A has stopped smoking. It must be 3 weeks, almost 4 now. He still uses the patch,  but that’s so much better.   He is, however, cranky when craving and the two or three days he forgot the patch altogether were damn near impossible.  

Yesterday, youngest child was grumpy over something and making it known. A said “I can’t stand this, I need a break.”


I replied, “Welcome to my Saturdays.”

“I know.” He said. And promptly takes a 10+ minute break away from us.

But he doesn’t know. The idea, but not the experience.  At least he acknowledged me.

After the Hobby Lobby decision was announced, I wrote an op-ed that I shared on fb. And a philosophy professor at a Catholic University read it and changed his mind on IUDs and wants me to teach and finish my Ph.D there. So…I am going to be applying to 3 or 4 schools this year. And retaking the GRE. Is it for money? No. I have not told A yet. I want to even see if I can be accepted somewhere.

And speaking of philosophy…

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the first sexual harassment/assault.  I couldn’t figure out why I felt so teary. I really have never gotten “over” it. I’m not sure I’ve come to terms with it or ever will. How does one make sense of such absurdity? There is no sense to be made.

It hurts. And there are few people I can talk to without being told “get over it” or something like that.

Yeah,  I’m so sorry the patriarchy adversely continues to affect me with PTSD. Yes, I know shit happens. And some shit is not as shitty as other shit.  

But it’s shit, and it’s reality to me.  This summer, I realized (due to something else) that I really do have PTSD over this. And yet…I’m not going to let him take me down or out of philosophy. Fuck you, RD. Fuck you.

(Le Tigre’s “Tell You Know” lyrics come to mind:
I’ll just tell you now
Cuz I don’t think you know
The things you tried to kill
I found a way to grow

I’ll just tell you now
You may have made your mark
But I’m still here today
Knowing who you are…)

And I’m sure those who read this have their own “shit”, so perhaps you understand why I’m upset as the anniversary comes around (next one—September 23.)  

On another note….

I was going through some things, and found an email from May 4, 2002.

It was from B. We had, I think, gone one a first date the night before. And there was one line that really moved me.

“It’s nice to be the mirror instead of the sun for once.”

I have it written out, tucked in my purse now. It really says a lot about what our relationship was. We alternated being suns and mirrors, but really, we were always a mirror of the other. Yes, we were different---but in very complementary ways.  I don’t know. It’s bittersweet, yet I love it. We had been talking about philosophical and physics ideas…and he wrote that. We had agreed, no matter what, we wanted to be friends.

God, I miss having that bond with someone. He *got* me.

I don’t know if I ever shared this, but I had a tape measure hung on my bedroom door when he first visited my place in the panhandle.

Clever guy, he asked if he could “borrow it.”

Um…fear set in. Nonononononono. I asked why.

And he said I didn’t need it to measure my waist or whatever I was measuring….

My mind was blown. I had, at that point, had and used that tape measure on my waist for over 8 years. It was out, but no one ever saw me measure my waist and I never did it when anyone was around.  

I made him promise not to throw it away. He promised.
I gave it to him.

And I didn’t go buy a replacement one. We never really talked about it. It really felt like healthy B was my other half. I know how cheesy that sounds, but he accepted my flaws, helped me, and had such a carefree, loving attitude.

I know a few years later, I asked him if he still had it. He said he did. I didn’t believe him. So I left our apartment in Seattle for a minute, and he told me to come back in. He was holding the tape measure.

And I left again, he hid it again, and that was it.

 Okay….ah, highly emotional stuff for you. So if you ask me how I am…I will say “fine.” And that’s to protect myself, not from you, but from my own thoughts at this time of the year. Sexual harassment, sexual assault, moving back here from Seattle, blinking back tears the whole drive home…