I've felt so haunted by my past, and I have no other outlet. I have tried to reach out and call some of you wonderful friends, but I change my mind. I feel like a burden. There's too much, I'm overwhelmed, so let me put this into words and then take a deep breath...
This time of the year, I've realized, has a lot of memories for me. Not the best memories, either.
1. My abortion (7 years ago today).
2. B's first psychotic break, calling the police, and the fun that ensued in the Utah/Nevada desert while pregnant. I think there's only one person in the world--aside from B--who I've shared the trauma of that time with in full. It's hard to talk or write about, it's painful, but I think I DO need to acknowledge it all, especially that I'm pregnant--like I was 4 years ago--when all this happened.
3. Seeing B for the last time, 2 years ago. Also the last time he saw C--that's the part that hurts. He seemed...fine. On the mend. I never suspected schizophrenia. 100% Social security disability.
All of these happened within a week of one another, and we're officially in that week. I couldn't figure out why, come Friday night, I felt so miserable and alone and sad. I felt--well, I still feel--like I could disappear and it would be a relief to others that I was gone.
That thought is ALWAYS a warning to me, obviously, that I need to check-in with myself. So I did, and that's what I discovered. All those things, within a week of each other.
Top that off with my pregnancy hormones, feeling wildly unattractive (I've got that beer-belly look right now), and that fact that I DID in fact incur a concussion when I fell the other day...no wonder I'm emotionally fragile right now, right?
I'm prone to feeling like a burden, and pregnancy makes me feel more like a burden. I have to figure out some way to talk to A about this. Maybe I'll just mention it at the mw appointment this week. It's a neutral location, and he's less prone to dismiss this as my self-esteem problems. (Got news for you: we're married, so your problems are mine, and mine are yours.)
I keep telling myself this will pass, but I really find myself wanting to withdraw right now...so this is me, posting and not withdrawing totally. I tried calling a lot of friends yesterday, and ended up hanging up before the phone rang or not leaving a message. What am I going to say? "Hi, I'm a total wreck right now but I'm doing a great job convincing those around me I'm totally together?"
There is no easy solution. Hell, there probably isn't a solution aside from sharing this, putting it out there to the universe, and just being.
8 comments:
call me if you still feel like talking! i miss you! i love you!
oh, that would be me, lcc in the atl
I think the mw appt would be a great place to talk, however if you feel like talking sooner you should, definitely. You are right the struggles are your combined struggles, they are not solely yours, which they were so often in your past. xox.
This is a LOT to deal with and then adding on the hormones and the unpretty feeling it's enough to break anyone's heart. But I am so proud of the grace you are handling this with and that you are NOT withdrawing you ARE posting and calling. You are no burden, take what you NEED for your heart and mind. xoxo.
I <3 u.
You should call me, and it wont be unequal unloading. Did you know I thought about calling you to for some of your wisdom with something I was struggling with, too? Maybe providential. But you have to call me Whit because my Blackberry upgrade has cost me all my contacts, seriously. And the upgrade was not my idea but anyway. But it can still be any form of unloading you want, it doesnt even have to be equal, I will make an exception for equality, only this once :) kidding. And really you can call me no matter what, whenever you want. And their not your issues, it takes two to tango so they are his, too. But I understand about the frustration with that. I told Matt I felt unattractive and while he has been sweet and what not, his best response to me was still that if I went on some major diet after delivery or stopped eating then he should get to resume smoking. Sigh. Well I guess thats fair and all, but it wasnt really the point I was trying to get across either. You want someone to listen and understand and be there no matter what, and not judge you, but empower you to be better. Not tell you about your issues, etc. I get that, dont we all want that on some level? My number is 352-672-1459
aly
CALL ME!!
Now and next time!
No matter how many times you need to talk!
No matter what time of day or night!
CALL ME!!
me too, Whit. it's hard to reach out when you feel like shit, but stretch when it is really bad?
come over this weekend?
I started blogging myself just to get some of my "issues" out there, so I felt like I got them off of my chest and sometimes...someone responds and listens. Other times, I just get them out there. I think it is good that you are at least writing about it and acknowledging your feelings. Good luck, feel better and take care of yourself.
Good for you for reaching out, Whit. I've been holding you in my heart for the past few weeks, not really knowing what prompted my want/need to do so . . . so I will continue to do that.
And I will bring you to the ocean with me tomorrow as well and ask her to support you.
I recommend a special place you once mentioned to me - one that you were going to share when I came to visit . . . go there and breathe in the world around you, breathe in the beauty and let go of the grief. And know that you are part of world . . . belong here . . . have been created in a sacred way . . . and allow yourself to be held in that knowledge.
I love you. Muchly.
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