Over Thanksgiving dinner with A’s parents, his sister and mom inquired if I was going to have a baby shower
.
My initial thought was, “Well, that would be rather presumptuous of me to throw my own, wouldn’t it?” Instead, I answered their question honestly. “Not that I know of.”
My initial thought was, “Well, that would be rather presumptuous of me to throw my own, wouldn’t it?” Instead, I answered their question honestly. “Not that I know of.”
“Oh, but you must!” mom said.
SIL chimed in. “Give me a list of your friends, and I’ll invite them—plus, I’ll invite my friends, and you’ll get more presents!”
Erm…hello, tacky.
Erm…hello, tacky.
Were I to have a baby shower, I would want it AFTER the baby is born , in part because I’m quite superstitious about celebrating someone before they’re *here*, and also so it would serve as a way for friends to come over and get to know the little guy. A baby meet-and-greet, you might say. Not a presentpalooza.
I felt very uncomfortable and somehow, thank the Greek Gods, the subject changed.
But I’ve been thinking about it, figuring out why it made me so uncomfortable. Why, for a split second, I had a total fight-or-flight response, and I sided more with the latter—go, just go. Run as fast as you can. Just get out of this room. I don’t want to talk about it. Run. Runrunrunrunrunrunrun…
A very strong reaction for what shouldn’t be such a big deal clearly requires some digging and investigation if I’m to learn about myself.
Indeed, I did end up learning more about myself. It’s something I already knew, but to realize this is an issue that still plagues me (and quite frankly, probably always will) was helpful…or so I keep telling myself.
Here’s the deal: I don’t feel like I deserve a baby shower. I know it’s not for me, per se, but the baby and our family. But the idea of me deserving or being worthy of anything Good is foreign to me. I can fight for the rights of others, I love giving others gifts…but when it comes to me? Why am I deserving of anything Nice and Good?
Because when it comes down to it, I tolerate myself. I don’t like myself. I certainly don’t love myself. I seem to value my life as a human being because I will stand up for my medial rights, but that’s about it. I really don’t feel that I’m worthy. Or deserving. Or anything nice.
I’m just a boring person who probably is more of a burden and/or cause of stress than anything else.
Because when it comes down to it, I tolerate myself. I don’t like myself. I certainly don’t love myself. I seem to value my life as a human being because I will stand up for my medial rights, but that’s about it. I really don’t feel that I’m worthy. Or deserving. Or anything nice.
I’m just a boring person who probably is more of a burden and/or cause of stress than anything else.
Now, I do realize how silly all this sounds. But I cannot shake these feelings.
*sigh*
So SIL asked me, via e-mail, what type of crib, etc, we wanted, I couldn’t respond. I did respond to her today, but I referred her more to A. I let her know we are going to do attachment parenting, but didn’t spell that out for her. (She can google it or ask her brother, but we will be co-sleeping, if only for my own sleep’s sake!) I don’t know. I’m not comfortable making a list of things I want and giving them to people. It’s like “Here, buy this for me.” I'm okay if someone buys something for me, but to ask for it...I can't make that compute in my fragile ego.
I mentioned to A last night how uncomfortable all this made me feel, and he said something about how I should get over it. Gotta love how predictable he is; nicely said, impossible to do. (He did admit this is what he does, but alas, those of us blessed/cursed with depressive personalities are, by evolution, ruminators.) Then he said, “Well, it’s for our son.” And continued to go on about how it’s for the whole family, and HE would love to have the baby shower, which was...nice.
*sigh*
So SIL asked me, via e-mail, what type of crib, etc, we wanted, I couldn’t respond. I did respond to her today, but I referred her more to A. I let her know we are going to do attachment parenting, but didn’t spell that out for her. (She can google it or ask her brother, but we will be co-sleeping, if only for my own sleep’s sake!) I don’t know. I’m not comfortable making a list of things I want and giving them to people. It’s like “Here, buy this for me.” I'm okay if someone buys something for me, but to ask for it...I can't make that compute in my fragile ego.
I mentioned to A last night how uncomfortable all this made me feel, and he said something about how I should get over it. Gotta love how predictable he is; nicely said, impossible to do. (He did admit this is what he does, but alas, those of us blessed/cursed with depressive personalities are, by evolution, ruminators.) Then he said, “Well, it’s for our son.” And continued to go on about how it’s for the whole family, and HE would love to have the baby shower, which was...nice.
Maybe this is because I’ve never had a shower of any sort?
Nah. I’ve got issues. That’s what it is.
UPDATE: just heard back from SIL—word for word, here’s what she wrote:
“What's attachment parenting?? Hope that doesn't include the baby sleeping in same bed. Well just let us know. We would love to help with the big stuff :)”
HEAVY SIGH. All parents need is support…thank you for that. I’m not going to roll over the baby, goddamnit. Co-sleeping saved my sanity with C, as I could easily breastfeed her without getting out of bed. I’m a light sleeper—I would 100% wake up if I had to get out of bed, nurse baby, then put baby down in crib and crawl to bed. I cannot do that. I know my sleeping patterns enough to know this.
13 comments:
I got a lot of crap about co-sleeping as well, but I also did it for my sanity every bit as much as the baby's. Of course I wish that they had both magically decided to sleep on their own, but that is a different issue.
About the baby shower...I don't know, I love them. And the presentpalooza is a show of support and help. With Xavier, I didn't buy clothes for the first year, diapers for months. I really needed that then, so it was nice.
But at the same time being the center of attention can be horrifying and anxiety provoking, and the bottom line is- if you don't want one, don't have one.
If SIL wants to get you something big, send her a link for a bad ass travel system and tell her you have the sleep thing covered.
Pregnancy can be such a miserable time, it is hard to imagine why we repeat it (until you watch hilarious videos of the kids and such.)
Much love
I cant believe ANYONE says anything about co-sleeping vs not to someone with a baby. I think thats as personal a decision as what clothes you wear, what tatoos you have and where and what color you choose to dye your hair. Personal, very. I dont co-sleep because I could not sleep with her in the same room as me. But everyone is different. Dont let it bother you. Hugs dear,
love
aly
I co-slept with Julia, for about 3 months. It was for my sanity, and I never rolled over on her :) You do what you do, and if they want to buy you things, let them! You do deserve it, even if you don't think so. And if anything, that little one deserves the world! Thinking of you!
There are always going to be people who tell you that everything you're doing and every decision you make is wrong. Fuck 'em.
We had a family bed with both kids till they were about 5. Everyone sleeps better this way. Historically, with all co-sleeping families everywhere, the ONLY time there has ever been a problem is when drugs and alcohol were involved.
As for the shower, Hells Yeah! I was thinking about doing one anyway. You had zero support with your first baby. This one is going to get all the goodies your family needs and deserves!
Ok, so this is my thing- about the shower! It's kind of weird, like my ideas about marriage which are, for the record, probably something I think because of my never really having been close to having it be a reality. So I've always said that if I get married I'd like to do it in Vegas.
Let me back up again----gender-fuck was something I really loved and I'd probably still do it if I weren't boobilicious since having gained the weight I needed (plus some- I'll leave that issue aside out of this un focused commentary). I've toyed around with the idea of politic-fuck. I don't know what that would be like but I think it might be something akin to using the system to make a point and doing it while making that point in a clever way. Or at least one that is done thoughtfully and in a way that makes you feel comfortable.
So back to Vegas. My idea of getting married is that weddings feel a little bit, to me and for me only, like they get a little out of control and sometimes can be excessive, overshadow the point that is at the heart of the ceremony- the love. Also, I love kitchy stuff- and I don't know why- maybe that has a separate set of thoughts.
So I think that maybe you can figure out how to do something to make a point and in that way, have your voice heard and also let others show you how they feel supportive. Also, babies aren't easy breezy and while we've seen how fucking rad you are at being a beautiful woman, who is SMART, funny, thoughtful, amazing, talented, caring, strong, sexy, independent, etc. etc. etc. AND really good at mothering and raising a daughter who, I feel confident in saying (coming from me- Ms. not Confident- that means a ton) is going to be all of the above and who knows what else! I don't know how anyone could be as rad as you are. Never mind you having added to that being such a totally amazing mother AND being a totally amazing wife AND being a totally amazing friend, activist, advocate, etc. etc. etc. YOU my darling amazing woman have managed to do what so many people only hope or even simply dream to do. It really is an honor to be friends with you, to be in your life.
You'll never know how many things you are, how very amazing you are, and I doubt you'll appreciate the impact, the influence and beauty that is you being you. I hope that you can get a little bit of that, though. I'd love for you to know it, feel it and own it!!!
You deserve far more than the world can ever give you. You will never, ever be awarded what you truly deserve because it is so great. You are amazing and that word does nothing to express it! And anyone who has met you is given a bit of this amazing and has been enriched.
Love is at the core of a wedding, right? Like that is the whole reason for doing the big celebration- for everyone to come together and celebrate an amazing love, to share in the day that you two have set aside to make a formal commitment for all the world to see that says I LOVE YOU (and I will share with you health insurance, property, hospital visitation, etc.) and we get dressed up because for ages that has been what people do when they want to show respect and honor (and yeh, we've taken it too far). We give gifts because there are things you need to have a home that runs- stuff to function in the kitchen, things that make it a little easier to get a life started together and that investment is made to show that we're on board, we believe in you and we want to be part of that life together (and yeh, we've taken it too far).
But maybe you could try and think of that core aspect of these traditions- at it meaning that we support you, we believe in you and that we want to be part of that. Think of how it feels to be able to give to someone else, too. Some people are less amazing that you and for them, buying a gift even of diapers means that they are on board. And for some people being able to give something practical that they know you need means more than giving a Tiffany engraved rattle. Because people want to say, "Hey, you've donated 9 months of your life to be almost kin to a human slow cooker and you've produced this cool kid who we're going to be there for/ show photos to random guys that we've gone home with after $1 shots of tequila the night before Thanksgiving... but since this cool kid was not slow cooked in us we'll help take some slack off your next bit of time." Or they want to play some bad ass games and eat cake. Or both. Especially if it is that cake like you had at the wedding...
So anyway... what if you do something that you feel comfortable with and also let people give to you, give to your family (C, A etc.) and give to themselves because they feel like they've done something great and/ or had some cake? Do it for everyone AND make sure you do it for yourself as well. Because you are amazing and we want to show you!!! Capital-fuck?
When my friend got married they registered for house stuff as well as pet stuff, board games to play with friends and family and they had a few organizations that are close to their hearts. What if you did something like that? You could have some kind of abortion provider (Planned Parenthood, a local clinic, etc.) because you want to show how important having choice has been in your life and in the life of your family, how you honor women who make a choice different from the one you've made to have a child this time and to show that you can have an abortion, have a child, have another child if it is the choice for you. And you could have another donation group be for mental health, or ED, or Greek and Philosophy, women who have been abused, women who need childcare while they go to school/ work/ have a second for themselves if you want to have a few choices.
Or you could let people give you gifts that they buy as well as gifts that they give of themselves. A certificate for baby sitting, for making dinner while you rest, for running errands, for taking C to some place cool, for doing any number of things. You could have them write words of wisdom for your new addition. Or donate books to a library in the new one's name... or anything else that you, my creative one, may think of and feel good about as well.
Also, try to remember- whatever you get you can pass on to others when you've made use of it. And that is something that maybe women who are not able to get things for their loved little baby could really use. Think about it.
You are worthy and deserve a Blessingway Ceremony for you and your soon to be born.
Please look it up... google or whatever.
I'm very short on time right now, recovering from mass illness in my house of 6.
No one "deserves" a baby shower. They are ridiculous.
I wish I were near you and could provide you with a warm, supportive, loving circle of women-sister-friends who could make you a sacred space for a Blessingway.
xoxo
You are worthy.
If you feel as though you have to have it, I highly suggest implementing the following three items that they must agree to:
1) They must have the shower in a treehouse.
2) They must fly your treehouse wifey to you in order to attend the shower.
3) They must promise not to say things that are distasteful, tactless, rude, or otherwise, or be at the mercy of afore-mentioned treehouse wifey.
If I were there, we would find a way to make the shower into something that held significance for you - a ritual of sorts that they could participate in . . . and if you would like, I bet that you could reach out to the two women I had told you about . . . and they could help to support you in all of this.
I love you, wifey.
The Blessingway seems to have some cool ideas and vibes that maybe can inspire you to find something that feels comfortable for you!! Put something together that feels right for you! If you want me to have a little session on the what's and why's for your outlaws I will be glad to do so if you let me know the direction to take. I have set up skype so I can do it via that if you want!!!
I don't know if I like all of the Blessingway tradition- the part about it being a woman going into another stage of life, it being a benchmark kind of thing- giving birth. That makes me feel like a person is not a fully achieved woman if she has not reproduced or that only women may give birth. It feels a bit heteronormative. And it feels like a woman is someone different than herself after having given birth- and I think surely a person gains perspective after becoming a mother that perhaps she did not have prior to that BUT it doesn't seem as though the person she was before ought be seen as less or separate or abandoned. In a really basic and simplified way it is like taking a second position some place else than your first place. Like having a JD and an MD. You're a mom AND you're you.
That's me being me, though. A woman who likely cannot give birth to a baby, who feels personally complete and actualized or whatever without being partnered with a husband or wife, or child (for whom completion and self actualization does not rely on another person and my relationship to them).
You my love are your own woman and you rock! If you think that you'd like to do something special before or after you have an additional child added to your current child- let me know!!!
We are selling our arms reach, fyi. Since we shamelessly now just put Eli in the middle of the bed.
What can I say? We are just heathens.
You should have a feminist shower! Mine had wine and chocolate and fun!!!!
Want one?
Blessingway Ceremony <---- YES YES YES. After elle's novela, lol, I have little to say, she said excellent stuff, as she often does. Brethe in Confidence, exhale Bullshit....I tell myself this and sometimes, it actually helps :) I love you, you know that?
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