White F*cking Flag

Last night, we had a friend from the West Coast come over for dinner.

She started talking about her own feelings regarding circumcision. She’s against it, quite passionately.

This afternoon, I receive an e-mail from A. He is under the impression that I somehow manipulated her to bring up this sensitive topic.

No.

He then went on to insinuate that I know nothing about the potential/supposed health benefits from circumcision. I write “potential” and “supposed” because all the doctors I’ve talked to say, “it’s not about health anymore, it’s more about preference.”  So forgive me, I’m dubious on the health claims.

The health benefits of circumcision are mostly why it’s being pushed in Africa. (We can talk about the ethics of THAT later.) But essentially, the foreskin is more susceptible to certain STI’s, such as HIV and HPV.

My immediate thought upon reading this has been and remains, “But our son will still have to be sexually responsible and use protection!”  

This is one excerpt from his e-mail to me: 

I will not continue the debate any further while we are at work, but now that my head is clear and I have access to the information I was lacking last night, I will request that when this this conversation is continued, we continue it without running away and/or crying.  I had no idea [friend ] was going to bring that up.  One minute we're talking about music or whatever and then out of left field, she hits me with this polarizing and personal debate.  Of course, on our own time we both talk to people who support our beliefs on this issue, but I had no idea that you two had planned on cornering me about it last night when I wasn't expecting it.  If a decision cannot be accomplished between the two of us, then I will ask my father to do the same as [our friend] and step in even though he has (out of respect for you) expressed that he should not due to the personal and parental nature of the topic at hand.

What I wanted to write back consists of two words, the first one four letters and the second word three letters. I also wanted to write something about if he didn’t want to debate it any further while we were at work, he shouldn’t have monopolized the conversation by sending me an e-mail while at work.  Or to say, “your father is a doctor of veterinary medicine, why not just neuter our child instead?”

(Sorry, it really bugs me that I’ve not involved my parents in this debate but he’s involved his. It might seem odd given that I have this blog, but I still am a much more private person than he is and it’s still frustrating to find out that he’s shared things with family or friends that I didn’t want shared.) 

Actually, here is my overly emotional, not super mature, response back to A:

What sort of evil, manipulative, conniving person do you think you married? I thought you knew me better than that.

I'm very hurt right now. Do you think I planned that with [friend]? I was surprised she brought it up--we were having a nice light conversation--and it made uncomfortable too. I almost (and should have) told her to shut up right then. I feel that it's a personal discussion WE should have, and it's none of her business.

What new parents and expecting parents need is support, not criticism or unsolicited opinions. (This will be the first of many unsolicited parenting advice we'll get.)

Fine. I give up. I'm sick of this, literally. It kills my appetite, it makes me dread coming home; I am miserable. I mean, knowing that the little boy inside of me is going to be cut within the first hours of his life kills me (and yes, it does make me cry), but that's my issue and I'll deal with it quietly on my own. 

I'm familiar with every point you made so I suppose you probably ought to forward that info to [friend]  not me. This is not the first time I've considered whether to leave a boy intact--remember that I didn't know C's gender until she was born, so I/we had already come to a conclusion about that, based on evidence we had in 2006.

Quite honestly, I don't feel like you listen to me when I even attempt to explain where I'm coming from, A. Your eyes glaze over. I feel like you're dismissive of my points about the drastic decline in circumcision of the US: http://www.mdconsult.com/das/news/body/226099546-2/mnfp/0/220621/1.html and http://www.davidwilton.com/files/2010-08-05_zoler.pdf I would send you a million other links but why bother? You've made up your mind. I even stated last night that the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) doesn't believe there are any health benefits to circumcision (statement issued in 1999)--they're the people I trust for vaccination recommendations, and who pediatricians trust and refer to as well.

I fail to see this as a health issue, and more of a social/cultural issue.

You win: you get to watch them tie our son down and cut him, just so he can be irresponsible and practice unsafe sex and lessen his chance of HIV (there's an HPV vaccine now, so that's a bit moot). It may seem a bit much, but I DO insist that if you choose to cut our son, you must be there. I don't want our baby alone with people he doesn't know. You get to explain to him why he's different than all the other little boys, or at least, 60-something % of them.

There we go, decision made. I give up. I do not give my permission; I'll just stay quiet on the subject. Besides, something you didn't know about Florida law--only one parent has to sign off on it. So you, dear, will have to sign off on this, because I never, ever will. 

Please don't ever tell me not to cry about a personal matter. It's futile--check with my dad on that--and it's a way I unfortunately express frustration (usually with myself).  I do not enjoy crying, just for the record. I feel like a moron when I do.

Like you, if I walk away from an argument, I'm not giving up--I'm feeling very frustrated or angry and letting myself cool down so I don't start going totally crazy.

I'm sorry our [friend] brought that up last night. The only good thing that's come out of her bringing it up was at least you get to not leave our son intact.

(Yes, in his e-mail I was criticized for crying during an argument or passionate discussion.)

Let me disappear. Please. I seriously do not want to go home. I’m not talking about it. I meant what I wrote, heartbreaking and soul-crushing as it is. 

      1. He doesn’t listen to me when I state my case, and when I state facts, he flat out denies the truth and validity without so much as doing research.

      2.  It really does make me feel physically sick to debate this. Shoddy reason, but I’m having enough trouble having an appetite as it is the way our son is sitting. Also, being dismissed as I mentioned in point 1 makes me want to not eat. It makes me want to disappear, and my traditional method of demonstrating the silencing of my voice is to not eat. Stupid and immature? Oh, no doubt. That’s what’s so idiotic about it—I know it’s dumb, wrong, stupid, unhealthy, not productive, etc. But that’s my instinct, fucked up as it is. I have learned to live with it, and by that, I mean manage it.  I cannot keep up this stupid argument and my own health—physical and emotional. 

         

         3. I give up. (At this moment, I'll probably regain some confidence in time...just hurting and raw at the moment.)  I just give up. Fuck this. I really am just a goddamn vessel. The mw I’ve talked to who will do a home birth for me is having trouble finding a doctor to work with her. 

Choice? Not if you have a potential child in your belly. 

Perhaps that’s why I prefer hard determinism. There is no choice. Everything is predetermined to be as fucked up as it is. That’s it. Period.  No diving explanation, no making the best of this shit.

I’m so sorry, I am just so upset right now. And it’s not really at any one person in particular. I’m just hurting intensely, and can’t put any more words to it.