A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it.--Jonathon Davis
If I seem quiet or withdrawn of late…I am. I'm sorry.
Every year, I am suddenly brought to the realization/reminder that I suffer from seasonal affective disorder. It kicks in the hardest in the first three weeks of December, leading to the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year.
After the solstice, I take some comfort in the fact the days are getting lighter. But right now, I’m feeling horrible. I break into tears (or want to) a couple times a day; I try and wait until I’m by myself. I see no point to anything. I feel even more worthless than usual.
After the solstice, I take some comfort in the fact the days are getting lighter. But right now, I’m feeling horrible. I break into tears (or want to) a couple times a day; I try and wait until I’m by myself. I see no point to anything. I feel even more worthless than usual.
It’s hell.
I first thought I might be experiencing perinatal depression. As I was seriously considering whether or not I was depressed, the memory of the season and the fact this happens every year, regardless of my fertility status, surfaced (thank god).
Oh, right. I am depressed. It will pass. I just have to drag my growing-ass through the next …10 days? Hell, it’s not even two weeks.
I think I can make it. I mean, I will make it. I always do.
But gah, this sucks so much. I hate depression. I hate the dying sunlight, and I hate the angle of the sun at this time of year. I hate that I’m so easily affected by this.
Anyway, there’s a non-pregnancy related update as to how I’m doing.
(Of course, the fact that I feel I have no choice in my pregnancy isn’t doing my mood any favours.)
(Of course, the fact that I feel I have no choice in my pregnancy isn’t doing my mood any favours.)
2 comments:
this is kind of why we can't be lesbians together. or maybe... exactly why we should be! i don't know if i would be correct in calling my thing SAD but i have horrible, horrible bouts in the Spring and Summer time. it's the sunny, bright, HOT as mofo days that send me into tears and fuel my desire to stay in bed.
i forever say that stuff like depression would be taken more seriously if your skin became plaid so that people could see for themselves that yes, it is real and no, i'm not just over reacting/ feeling down and if there were an answer to Why are you depressed it wouldn't be depression- it would be having a bad day, being sad, feeling down but it is DEPRESSION! i'm depressed because my very special chemical make-up and life experiences join in a way that yields depression!!!!
something might contribute to it or fuel it or spark it or what have you but ultimately it's just part of who and how i am. thanks for the advice regarding what YOU do and what makes YOU feel better and suggestions regarding what i OUGHT do or what would make me feel better. it's all i can do to get up, shower, eat something, get through the day pretending that i am not having difficulty doing every day things that usually come as second nature if not first and all of that.
waking up and hating that you've done so can really be difficult. i've taken to telling people who are permanent in my life that if they REALLY want to know how best to react when i'm having difficulty- well they don't need to try and fix the situation, give me words of wisdom on how to make it stop, etc. i need a shoulder, a hug, compassion and support. this does not involve fixing me. if i could totally be fixed the numerous medical folks and endless amount of energy and effort i've put into it would have done so long, long ago...
I really like the Santayana quote.
I'm sorry you feel so shitty. I don't have SAD, but for some reason, after developing PTSD, I get anxious when the sun goes down. I hate dusk. I'm not scared of the dark, I'm afraid of the light fading away...
Hugs to you, my friend.
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