Morton's Fork

This may end up as a whiny update. I don’t know. I really had to calm down and not feel quite as aggrivated and hopeless as I did last week.

Okay…so first off, let’s just do the vital stats.

December 2, 2010: Appointment with ob-gyn (Dr. B’s) midwife.

Weight gain: 47 lbs. Healthy and normal. For someone my height, I’m apparently a little underweight for a pregnant woman. Still, I’m doing well.

Baby’s measuring around 31/32 weeks. I was 30 weeks on December 3. However, once I hit the 30-something weeks, baby’s growth varies. This happened with C. One week she’d measure 2 weeks ahead, and the next 2 weeks behind. I think it must just get hard to tell as the baby’s head descends and they continue their rapid growth and weight gain.

BP: 100/60, which is good. My non-pregnant bp is 90/50, which lead one smart ass doctor to ask me, “Are you sure you’re not dead?” (Being massively depressed at the time, I was still able to refrain from replying, “No, but that does sound nice.”) 

MW declares that I am a good candidate for VBAC; this was more fantastic to hear. 

But there’s a however. A major however.

Dr. B cannot do VBACs. It’s not a practical option for him, sadly. Due to state laws being what they are, he would have to stay in the hospital the entire time I labored. He has a private practice, and to have to stay in the hospital for up to 40+ hours isn’t practical for him. I understand that.

The teaching hospital here offers VBACs. The issue I have with this, however, is that there is no guarantee of who will be supervising me/helping me through the delivery process. Some of the doctors are VERY supportive of VBACs. Others think women who attempt to do what the American College of Obstetrics and Gynecology recommend is stupid.  (Yes, that’s right: ACOG recommends I be allowed to VBAC). I think it’s ridiculous that when I feel the most vulnerable—when I’m in labor—I’m supposed to be “comfortable” or “okay” with showing unknown medical professionals such an intimate part of me, particularly when there is no guarantee that they are philosophically on my side for this endeavor. Society demonizes women for wearing revealing clothes, yet I should be comfortable with sharing a part of my body very few people have seen, simply because a person who is previously unknown to me has an M.D. after his or her name. I don’t see that flying.

Dr. B performed my C-section with C. I knew him previous to the birth, and yet still, when he was examining me to determine I was a C-section candidate, I wanted to kick him. It felt very unnatural for me to just expose myself to anyone during labour, and I really felt like this was a protective instinctual reaction. I assume I’ll probably feel the same way this time around, and thus, don’t want to have to deal or be “cooperative” or “nice” to people I don’t know. It’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to ME.

I feel very trapped. I want to try a VBAC on my own terms, but that doesn’t look like a possibility. I do not want to VBAC on their terms…the state, the doctors I’ve yet to meet, etc. I don’t want that pressure to “produce baby.” 

And thus, I’m sad to say a C-section seems the best bet for me, psychologically. I will know the doctor, I will not feel pressured.

There is one more fight to be had, however. Dr. B, it seems, prefers to have scheduled C-sections. I do understand from his point of view why this IS beneficial.

I’ve compromised more than enough, though. Come Friday, December 17, I will be arguing with him why he should allow me to go into labor on my own, and then do the C-section. I’ve got to re-familiarize myself with all the research indicating hormones released in labor help mom and child, that the child releases hormones when his lungs are mature enough to start labor, etc. I’ve got to stick to my guns, too. I know Dr. B first came to this town to open a women’s health clinic that provided abortions, and I will shamelessly bring up the right to choose and be as much in control of this situation as possible...which honestly, at this point, really isn’t much control at all.  

It’s sad that so much of this battle during pregnancy has reminded me of my abortion. It’s even more sad, I think, that I felt like I had more choice during my abortion. Women in the US have very little choice when it comes to reproductive rights, and this pregnancy has been a maze of reminders of this painful fact.

My c-section will most likely be deemed or labeled as “elective.” Is it elective? Not really. I’m trying to think of a snarky reason for the doctor to put down as to WHY I had a C-section.

Lack of choice?
Mostly white male state legislatures dictating what is acceptable for a woman’s body?

Not being trusted to know my own body and what’s best for me?

I think those are all pretty damn accurate reasons as to why, come February, I will most likely be undergoing major organ surgery. 

*grrrrr*