I don’t know where to begin.
Does it even matter?
My self-worth has gone from “not there, but I can fake it” to “I wish I didn’t exist.”
The other morning, C said something about how Sleeping Beauty didn’t die, but just went into a royal sleep. We laughed to ourselves about that.
Yet, now, I keep finding myself wanting to go into a royal sleep. I’ll wake up when things are resolved. And if they don’t resolve, whatever. I’m not suicidal, but when two men in your life come down on you in the same day for things you cannot control, or fail to see how the patriarchy DOES affect family life…it’s disheartening, to put it mildly.
I expect too much of others, and by “others” I mean people I love.
Does it even matter?
My self-worth has gone from “not there, but I can fake it” to “I wish I didn’t exist.”
The other morning, C said something about how Sleeping Beauty didn’t die, but just went into a royal sleep. We laughed to ourselves about that.
Yet, now, I keep finding myself wanting to go into a royal sleep. I’ll wake up when things are resolved. And if they don’t resolve, whatever. I’m not suicidal, but when two men in your life come down on you in the same day for things you cannot control, or fail to see how the patriarchy DOES affect family life…it’s disheartening, to put it mildly.
I expect too much of others, and by “others” I mean people I love.
I’ve been so awesomely open and dealt with stresses pretty
well of late. Now, I just quit. I fall silent. I feel like my opinion I
don’t matter.
A’s apologized profusely. My parents are being their usual frustrating selves when it comes to this. It’s a small issue, and I knew it was.
How do you deal when everyone else blows the molehole into a mountain?
So it seems that these demands call on me to slip back into my ED self. The overly neat, overly organized person who missed out on life.
I’m sure I’ll fight back eventually, but for this evening. . . I give in and give up. I will clean, I will pretend everything is fine, I will organize the fuck out of shit. I will be overly anal W who missed out on her teenage years and college years because I was too damn busy counting calories, measuring my waist, and oh, alphabetizing books.
If I DID have my car back, I’d probably drive away. Far, far, far away. I mean, ladies, I was made to feel like a crap mother yesterday.
Not so healthy thoughts are dancing in my head. I’ve ignored them and will continue to, and yes, I see my psychologist tomorrow, so don’t worry.
But really. . . . why do I keep fighting for myself? I feel unworthy, and I feel like a burden.
(And yes, I’ve temp. deleted my fb account in a beautiful, immature act of passive-aggressiveness. I did it yesterday, and I’m still not sorry.)
A’s apologized profusely. My parents are being their usual frustrating selves when it comes to this. It’s a small issue, and I knew it was.
How do you deal when everyone else blows the molehole into a mountain?
So it seems that these demands call on me to slip back into my ED self. The overly neat, overly organized person who missed out on life.
I’m sure I’ll fight back eventually, but for this evening. . . I give in and give up. I will clean, I will pretend everything is fine, I will organize the fuck out of shit. I will be overly anal W who missed out on her teenage years and college years because I was too damn busy counting calories, measuring my waist, and oh, alphabetizing books.
If I DID have my car back, I’d probably drive away. Far, far, far away. I mean, ladies, I was made to feel like a crap mother yesterday.
Not so healthy thoughts are dancing in my head. I’ve ignored them and will continue to, and yes, I see my psychologist tomorrow, so don’t worry.
But really. . . . why do I keep fighting for myself? I feel unworthy, and I feel like a burden.
(And yes, I’ve temp. deleted my fb account in a beautiful, immature act of passive-aggressiveness. I did it yesterday, and I’m still not sorry.)
5 comments:
Oh Whit...((((hugs))))
Last time I checked you were a person...a person whose opinions, thoughts and feelings are valid.
You matter. You are worthy. ( and you certainly matter to C and that's what is most important)
Those loved ones who make you feel this way - they are the unworthy ones. How dare they!! Who made them gods with all the answers? Why did they stop listening to you?
People like that annoy me - especially when they're family. It's just so wrong. I always feel like bitch-slapping them.
I know you won't give up permanently. Giving up for a day or two is sometimes needed. You're a strong gal. I know this.
Thinking of you my friend. xoxoxo
Jacqueline
"I expect too much of others, and by “others” I mean people I love."
Yeah, I have this problem. It is the bane of my existence
let's run away and create a beach child raising commune with a kick ass death penalty law office attached. With on-site childcare
I hate that you feel this way. But I want you to post about it when you do. Please know that when I think of W, I think all positive thoughts. So does my roommate. "Smart, funny, wicked, hot,pretty, intelligent, formidable, sweet, kind, understanding, awesome." And we have so much respect for that woman. Many hugs.
Hey Whit,
Just wanted to see how you're doing.
Hey Whit,
I'm sorry for you and I can relate to this, too. I love you and I hope you feel better. I live in Massachusetts now, by the way....
aly
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