fragile ego: Confession

06 July 2012

Confession

Okay, confession time

I've never admitted this, but I had a short term fling with someone in grad school. B knew about it and was okay with it. I never was okay with open relationships...but I did it anyway. Hindsight being 20-20, I suspect a lot of it had to do with looking for comfort/acceptance right after I was sexually harassed. After all, B was in Seattle, and I was in Florida...and I/we did it anyway.

B did KNOW and was "cool" with it. How the hell he was, I don't know. I wish I had been smarter and never let that happen. Even though B knew and was okay with it...it still feels to me like I was cheating. I'm not an open relationship person.

We were involved for a couple months. He got more attached than I did, offered to marry me, etc. Sigh. Stuff I'd rather not remember, but can't help BUT remember because...

...the guy is getting married tomorrow.

We were not suited for each other long term. It was a fling. My one and only. We had been awesome friends, got hot and heavy, then went back to being friends over the years.

I love him. I won't lie. Not in love with him, but he's a damn good guy.

Tonight, I am by myself. I have been feeling pretty alone in my marriage for the past couple weeks. I've told A this, but it falls on deaf ears. In his attempt to quit smoking, he's replaced on addiction with another--drinking heavily.

Sigh.

So tonight...I'm feeling...I don't know. Mostly happy, but perhaps a tad envious due to a massive case of the grass is greener. (I woke up in a super pissed off mood which has lingered all day.)

Okay, judge away. I don't care. Or I do. I don't know. It's not like I have anyone else I can think of to confess to.

5 comments:

lynn plp said...: Whit, I've got similar skeletons in my closet. And some days, the grass really seems greener elsewhere. Or maybe just easier to maintain. If there is any solace to be found, it's that in every patch of grass there is always some issue, whether easily visible or hidden deep below the surface. Oddly, I find this thought immensely comforting. Peace to you, my friend.; July 6, 2012 at 11:23 PM
Anonymous said...: No judgement here.

I think almost everyone has something like this in their past, at the least.

I actually went through my msgs to find you here so I could see how you are, what's on your mind etc.

I'm sorry you're feeling alone. I am listening and here if you want to talk.

Mandy; July 7, 2012 at 1:45 AM
Dysmonia said...: My judgment is: you didn't do anything wrong! You did something that served a purpose at the time, you were honest with your partner about it, you experienced it, learned from it, and it's part of your past.

Regardless of the details of the situation, it's always odd when a former love/lover/fling/relationship gets married, isn't it?; July 10, 2012 at 7:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh Whit, I so feel for you and understand. My marraige has sucked alot too. The best I keep coming up with is, dang why aren't we lesbians because I would sure hook up with you and run away from assholes and have a great, respectful, life. I mean no offense about being a lesbian, or not, its just alot of times I emotionally get so upset with men. Then I read something like this from someone like you and Im just like, why. Anyway, no judgement, lots of hugs, and love. I am so sorry, please call if you like 352-672-1459.
aly :); July 16, 2012 at 10:20 PM
Amie said...: I said, skeletons are fine
your closet or mine?
we took turns recounting the
details of lost time
and when we had both
admitted it all
we sat back and laughed until we cried
we laughed beacause
the world isobsured and beautiful and small.; August 2, 2012 at 2:41 PM

. . . thinking . . .

Since philosophy is the art which teaches us how to live, and since children need to learn it as much as we do at other ages, why do we not instruct them in it? ... Oddly, things have now reached such a state that even among men of intelligence philosophy means something fantastical and vain, without value or usefulness, both in opinion and practice. (Michel de Montaigne, 1592)

"All things come out of the one and the one out of all things. ... I see nothing but Becoming. Be not deceived! The very river in which you bathe a second time is no longer the same one you entered before.'"(Heraclitus)

"Are you not ashamed that you give your attention to acquiring as much money as possible, ...and care so little about wisdom and truth and the greatest improvement of the soul ...?" (Socrates via Plato)

"Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." (Epicurus)

"All things are parts of one single system, which is called Nature; the individual life is good when it is in harmony with Nature." (Zeno of Citium)

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." (Albert Camus)

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts." (Bertrand Russell)

"Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric." (Bertrand Russell)

"Wrong does not cease to be wrong because the majority share in it." (Leo Tolstoy)

"If you believe that feeling bad or worrying long enough will change a past or future event, then you are residing on another planet with a different reality system." (William James)

"Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!" (Nietzsche)

"Beauty is no quality in things themselves. It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them." (David Hume)

"As long as justice and injustice exist, human beings must be willing to do battle for the one against the other." (John Stuart Mill)

"Meditate often upon the bond of all in the Universe and their mutual relationship. For all things are in a way woven together." (Marcus Aurelius)

"Whoever despises himself nonetheless respects himself as one who despises."

"A friend should be a master at guessing and keeping still: you must not want to see everything. "

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. "

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. "

"One has to pay dearly for immortality; one has to die several times while one is still alive. "

"A great value of antiquity lies in the fact that its writings are the only ones that modern men still read with exactness. "

"Admiration for a quality or an art can be so strong that it deters us from striving to possess it. "

"All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth."

"Many a man fails as an original thinker simply because his memory it too good. "

"He who has a why to live can bear almost any how."

"Is life not a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves?"

"I do not know what the spirit of a philosopher could more wish to be than a good dancer. For the dance is his ideal, also his fine art, finally also the only kind of piety he knows, his "divine service." "

"All truth is simple... is that not doubly a lie? "

"This is what is hardest: to close the open hand because one loves. "

"We have art in order not to die of the truth."

"What? You seek something? You wish to multiply yourself tenfold, a hundredfold? You seek followers? Seek zeros!"

"It is not things, but opinions about things that have absolutely no existence, which have so deranged mankind!" -from Nietzsche's Daybreak, s. 563, R.J. Hollingdale transl

"People who comprehend a thing to its very depths rarely stay faithful to it forever. For they have brought its depths into the light of day: and in the depths there is always much that is unpleasant to see." - from Nietzsche's Human, all too Human, s.489, R.J. Hollingdale transl.

"New ears for new music. New eyes for what is most distant. A new conscience for truths that have hitherto remained unheard. And the will to economize in the grand manner--to hold together his strength, his enthusiasm.... Reverence for self; love of self; absolute freedom of self...."

"I call an animal, a species, an individual corrupt, when it loses its instincts, when it chooses, when it prefers, what is injurious to it."

(both from Nietzsche's Antichrist)