We get what we wish for.
The grass is always greener…
Blah, blah.
I’ve been quiet for a while. So let me catch up unceremoniously and rather directly.
In July (or June--?) I came to believe A has a substance abuse problem with alcohol. He was drinking at least 5-6 beers an evening. At least.
I brought it up, of course he denied it, and kept on drinking. I was in the process of setting boundaries I am comfortable with (3 beers, we can still have a discussion, etc) but then he got some cold. He stopped drinking cold turkey and that lasted two weeks.
Then he started back, but with apple cider and only three at the most. Good. I can live with that.
We’re back to the cheap ol’ stuff and downing min. 4 beers.
*curses*
He has complained that I never take the kids to see his parents.
1. They’re YOUR parents. YOU are a capable adult.
2. When I have extended the offer of inviting them into the home, I am turned down.
In one of his sober moments, he came home unhappy looking. I asked him what was wrong. This is what he kind of said:
1. He thinks I’ve slapped C on 2 occasions. He didn’t see it, she doesn’t say I did, but he heard it.
2. He also believes he heard me shake E once.
(Why the hell do you leave me with the children if you THINK I would do this?)
3. Apparently, he didn’t want to get married as soon as we did. He doesn’t regret marrying me (which is about as meaningful to my heart as Sen. Akin’s “apology” for being a douchecanoe), but he didn’t want to get married in March.
4. Ditto with E. He didn’t want to have a child quite that soon.
Could have fooled me on 3 and 4.
And the pain…it burns.
I am reminded of this:
“In your world of two,
There’s only room for you…
It’s not that I don’t like you.
And it’s not that I don’t love you.
And it’s not that I don’t think you are
two of the most
perfectly
beautiful
people in your world. . .
In your world of two.”
(Cake lyric, always loved that song, hate that I can relate to it.)
It’s like he wants this life, but doesn’t like the messiness of having other people around. I don’t know.
But it’s August and four years ago B broke up with me.
Now it’s August and I’m honestly wondering if this is salvageable, and if it is salvageable, do I want to try?
My life has been filled with these “little instances.” Last night, A was trying to place an order. E was toddling about, as toddlers do, and unplugged (from the computer end, not the wall) A’s computer. I think A’s response was “Dammit W, can’t you watch him while I work?”
I picked up A and went back to our bedroom. There was no way that I would ever be successful in keeping E from gravitating towards the laptop. So E fell asleep, and I did too. (I’m using this more and more as my coping mechanism.)
The hospital has reported me to a credit agency, and A takes that as proof that I haven’t submitted info to get the bill lowered. Because, you know, I want to be in debt, I want to hurt our family financially, and corporations and hospitals NEVER make mistakes in billing. EVER. So it must be me.
Right now, I really dislike him. He works late tonight…and I’m not sure I want to be home when he does come home. Seriously. This is fucked up, and he refuses counseling together.
I deserve better…right?
The grass is always greener…
Blah, blah.
I’ve been quiet for a while. So let me catch up unceremoniously and rather directly.
In July (or June--?) I came to believe A has a substance abuse problem with alcohol. He was drinking at least 5-6 beers an evening. At least.
I brought it up, of course he denied it, and kept on drinking. I was in the process of setting boundaries I am comfortable with (3 beers, we can still have a discussion, etc) but then he got some cold. He stopped drinking cold turkey and that lasted two weeks.
Then he started back, but with apple cider and only three at the most. Good. I can live with that.
We’re back to the cheap ol’ stuff and downing min. 4 beers.
*curses*
He has complained that I never take the kids to see his parents.
1. They’re YOUR parents. YOU are a capable adult.
2. When I have extended the offer of inviting them into the home, I am turned down.
In one of his sober moments, he came home unhappy looking. I asked him what was wrong. This is what he kind of said:
1. He thinks I’ve slapped C on 2 occasions. He didn’t see it, she doesn’t say I did, but he heard it.
2. He also believes he heard me shake E once.
(Why the hell do you leave me with the children if you THINK I would do this?)
3. Apparently, he didn’t want to get married as soon as we did. He doesn’t regret marrying me (which is about as meaningful to my heart as Sen. Akin’s “apology” for being a douchecanoe), but he didn’t want to get married in March.
4. Ditto with E. He didn’t want to have a child quite that soon.
Could have fooled me on 3 and 4.
And the pain…it burns.
I am reminded of this:
“In your world of two,
There’s only room for you…
It’s not that I don’t like you.
And it’s not that I don’t love you.
And it’s not that I don’t think you are
two of the most
perfectly
beautiful
people in your world. . .
In your world of two.”
(Cake lyric, always loved that song, hate that I can relate to it.)
It’s like he wants this life, but doesn’t like the messiness of having other people around. I don’t know.
But it’s August and four years ago B broke up with me.
Now it’s August and I’m honestly wondering if this is salvageable, and if it is salvageable, do I want to try?
My life has been filled with these “little instances.” Last night, A was trying to place an order. E was toddling about, as toddlers do, and unplugged (from the computer end, not the wall) A’s computer. I think A’s response was “Dammit W, can’t you watch him while I work?”
I picked up A and went back to our bedroom. There was no way that I would ever be successful in keeping E from gravitating towards the laptop. So E fell asleep, and I did too. (I’m using this more and more as my coping mechanism.)
The hospital has reported me to a credit agency, and A takes that as proof that I haven’t submitted info to get the bill lowered. Because, you know, I want to be in debt, I want to hurt our family financially, and corporations and hospitals NEVER make mistakes in billing. EVER. So it must be me.
Right now, I really dislike him. He works late tonight…and I’m not sure I want to be home when he does come home. Seriously. This is fucked up, and he refuses counseling together.
I deserve better…right?
(Yes.)
9 comments:
Yes, you deserve better.
Of course you do. And you deserve and night out and cocktails with your fun friend Nicole!
You deserve better. MUCH MUCH better. Tell him you are going to stay with your parents for a month. I say you move home because he'd say that you can't live on your own with the kids because of the medical stuff. Tell him that he needs to decide if moving into a home that fits all 4 of you is what he wants or if he is going to move into a home for just himself. It may be miserable for the both of you (though it may not be so miserable for him in which case you might be able to get a better understanding of where he is). If he didn't want to get married so soon- and I will again say that he drove his own ass to the chapel thing- then maybe he would like to be not married. That doesn't have to be divorce. It could just be a couple of months apart. Enough time to figure out that he's the problem and not you, to figure out that he's relied on you for a ton of things. And for you to be friends with whomever you choose. And he cannot take my Gilmore Girls box sets. No Way!
oh- the collections agency- you can contest their accusations. just write them and let them know that you've set up a payment plan and that you will only be paying the hospital and not their harassing asses and that if they have any further questions to direct them to your atty (aka big poppa)
Yes, you REALLY do.
I'm not going to give you any advice since I really don't know what the "right" thing to do next is, but I wanted you to know I'm here and listening.
Hell yes you do and so do I. I am just about right there with you right now. I actually thought today, after I drove home from work, with tears in my eyes AGAIN that maybe, maybe, in my pipe dream, we would both divorce our shitty men and I would move back to FL, we would do the kid commune thing with our 3 and be supportive of each other. And with the drinking, oh yeah mine is 5-6 a night AND hes on Paxil (not that there is a thing wrong with that according to him). Oh, but instead of running from it hes the one that wants two kids instead of one but cant do his own laundry regularly. Yeah that works great. Hell yeah you deserve A LOT better like I do. But I know the practical side of working that out sucks. You do have a supportive family though, I think, I mean it seems like you do. Maybe you could go there for a while or try a seperation or something like that. I cant run home and I only have a 1 year full time job so I have to weigh my options. I have decided to suck it up for a year and then reevaluate. But if my mom were still here and I lived near them (in a perfect world) I would prob head home. Actually your post is timely as I almost called my brother to tell him I was cashing it in in a year, pretty much guranteed and my sites are set on Tampa (I prob would not get custody full time and thats okay with me Matt is a great Dad). But this teen drama is ridic. Anyway, your not alone Whit, there are people who care even if they are far away and if you have the practical ability to better your life and get an out, I am all for it for you (but then again I am biased too right now). But, heres a hug from me to you, and a you are awesome! Because we need to hear that, don't we?
Love
aly
Yes, you do deserve better. I know that this blog is where your rant, so what we read is not how you feel day-to-day, but It seems like a re-evaluation is in order.
Want to run away with me Whit? I could do with escaping my life for a while too... it's horrible watching your life becoming something you didn't expect it to be... and it's hard remembering that somehow it'll be okay in the again, someday. I don't know or have any answers for you Whitney, but yes you deserve more than this. x
I'm like...about a month late in reading this...and I seriously hope things are going better for you. A is being very unfair and irrational. You do deserve better. Anyways just wanted to send you some (((((hugs)))). Love you Whit.
Jacqueline
Post a Comment