I don't deserve this.

Asking someone how they are can be dangerous.

But the purpose of my indulgent blog is to ask myself, “How am I?” Because I am very good at ignoring myself.

So…let’s see.

Things between A and I were good until Tuesday. 
I was at a NOW planning meeting, which he knew about. It lasted a little over 2 hours. No big deal.

But apparently, it was.

As we were wrapping up our meeting, I started getting text messages from A.

And here is our lovely *eye roll*  exchange:
A:            You left over 2 hours ago. Please come home.
Me:        We are finishing up the meeting.
A:            Something tells me it could have moved much faster. You drag this out.
Me:        Your tone of voice is lost over text. It sounds like you’re ordering me. I miss you all, bu you knew I had this and will be home shortly.
A:            I’m tired of NOW. You guys accomplish nothing. No tone of voice needed.

Holy fuck. I did not want to go home, but I did. His complaints:

1. NOW is a waste of time.
2. Activism is a waste of time.
3. If I’m not being paid for volunteering, it’s a waste of time.
4. He’s a better parent.
5. He thinks NOW is a support group for messed up people.
6. I am messed up because I have depression that is managed.
7. He wants to move out of state.
8. He thinks it’s my fault I got a full scholarship to law school in Boston but didn’t get into UF.
9.  He has the most amazing ability to know what I think and believe.

That’s what I remember…there was more about how horrible I am.

I really just tried to not listen or argue. He was clearly hell bent on being—well, abusive. My partner is emotionally abusive.
Yes, I sat there and realized I was being emotionally abused. I took a couple surveys just to verify, and yes, I am. (at least the kids were asleep...)

I went to the kitchen and saw several empty beer bottles. He had one in his hand.

He is emotionally abusive and awful when he’s drunk. Sober? He's the man I fell in love with.

Does he realize this the affect this has on our relationship? (No.)

Text message the next morning:

“I’m not sure what got into me last but I love you and I’m really sorry. REALLY SORRY.”

I’m sorry too. I'm sorry you were a jerk, nasty, and once you've said it, dear, it's there. Your cruel words linger in the air.

I’m sorry that he has an addiction he refuses to recognize.

And no—his apology is not sufficient. I want, need, and goddammit, I deserve change.

I’ve found myself very quiet. I think, from past experiences, the quiet is my way of carefully forming my thoughts and how best to express them.

But…I guess the good thing that came out of this is that I know I deserve better.

And those reading this probably can recognize this is a huge step forward for me.

I’m also not dwelling on it or letting it get me down or taking it personally. I recognize that I am not the problem.

It’s that evil alcohol. And it's up to him, honestly, if he's going to change.