Abortion #2

I had an abortion this week.
Two abortions, two healthy births, two miscarriages.

I've been quiet and a healthy withdrawn. I didn't want to talk about it here until it was over. Some of you knew. I did reach out and talk to people about it.

I swear, the self-imposed/societal-imposed secrecy about abortion is the most harmful, dangerous thing.

The story:

TWO weeks ago I got a feeling, "I need to test." My period wasn't due for another 9 or 10 days, but I tested.

Bright positive. Four tests of bright positives.

And I just knew. My clothes fit differently. I felt different. Hungrier, tireder, more nauseous.

I made an appt to have a medical abortion (RU-486), and when I went, the doctor didn't see a pregnancy in the ultrasound.

"It could be too early, but it's probably a chemical pregnancy."

Oh, the relief! I hugged her and thanked her--it was the same doctor I saw in 2003. She is awesome. I'd share her name but that could make her a target. :/ Stupid people.

So...she wanted me to come back in two weeks, to check up on me.

And I went on Wednesday. Now, my period was 5 or 6 days late. I was still testing positive.

So I went by myself. That was my choice. I had lovely offers from some amazing friends to go with me. . . but going by myself was somehow what I needed.

My appt was at 1:15. The parking behind the clinic was full, so I had to park across the street and walk past the protestors.

One almost made me laugh. I kept my head up and avoided eye contact, but she was holding a doll the size of my almost 2 year old with a sign indicating that the doll represented--in size--a fetus of 4 months or something stupid like that.

If a fetus of 4 months weighs 25 lbs, that's just kinda more convincing to have an abortion, isn't it?

In the clinic the ultrasound revealed a pregnancy, about 6 weeks along. I requested and got a print out. I don't know why, but for some reason, the print out is of an odd comfort to me. It really just looks like there's a bubble in my uterus.

So, I took  the one dose at the clinic, as instructed. New thing: I'm now allowed to insert the second dose after 12 hours! Thank god. In 2003, I had to wait 48 hours, and that wait was torture.

On Thursday, I took off work. I dropped C off at school, and didn't want to go home and deal with A and E. So I drove to Paynes Prairie, and sat by myself on the observation deck.


It calmed me. To sit, listen to just the wind, the birds, and feel--for a second--that I was the only one in the world, in the universe--as well as to remind myself of how many of my foremothers have done the same thing.

It's honestly humbling and empowering. I am in control of my body.

 
Again, it's the waiting and anticipation that sucks.

I got my Rx for pain medication and anti-emetic filled, then went home and took the anti-emetic. I didn't take the pain med because I realized it has acetaminophen in it, and my migraine meds that I take daily have acetaminophen also.

But it turns out, this medical abortion was vastly differently. In a good way.

An hour after taking the anti-nausea pills (which make you very sleepy!), I inserted the misopristol and lay on the couch with my feet propped up.

I woke up, three hours later?
No cramping.

I checked the pad. No blood?

I stood up. I felt the rush of blood.
I had to laugh at myself. D'uh. Gravity.

I drank some water, then jumped in a hot shower.

I am fairly certain I passed the pregnancy in the shower. Without pain. It was very natural. Very peaceful.

And drastically different than the labor-pains I had in 2003, but I expect that's partially because in 2003, I had no children, my cervix had never dilated, etc.