Dear July,
Why must you still hurt so much every damn year?
Let's just list the shit that's happened in July, limiting myself to 11 years....
1. (2002) My maternal grandfather died. He meant the world to me, inspired me to love math, adored my adoration of philosophy, and was a pacificist thru-and-thru.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of him.
2. (2003) My friend J was murdered in Iraq. WTF? I didn't even know he was there. I'm now 33, he's forever in his 20's...
3. (2003--yeah, that year REALLY sucked) My first pregnancy. It was absolutely unexpected and unplanned. Today is actually my 10 year anniversary of my first abortion. The first one was the hardest. I think, at that time, I was just so damn vulnerable. I had also never been pregnant, so terminating your first pregnancy is not what you plan on, hope for, and hurts like hell because your body has never done this before (at least in my case).
4. (2006) Now how could I forget this? This is the month, 7 years ago, B LOST it. Total psychotic break. Wandering the deserts of the West. Being pregnant, and knowing that this was not going to be the best or even okay circumstances to have a child, yet feeling devoted in my heart. Logic said one thing, my heart said something else...I went with my heart. C is absolutely meant to be.
But....waking up at 5 am to find B lunging at your belly while watching a knife infomercial? Not cool.
5. (2008) The last time (that I'm aware of) B and his family saw C. I mean, Greek tragedies can have happier plots than those years of my life.
6. (2013) Hey all, I had an abortion at the end of June. (Yep, that's my third.) During the dating-u/s, we found it was twins. So I do the med-ab again. Well, I had to do two doses, got an infection, and the treatment for the infection has caused anemia with iron so low it's going to take a while to recover. I've been having to get iron shots. (at least those costs are included in the cost of the abortion).
So...I'm tired. I want to melt into the ground. I want to cry but am really, truly afraid the tears would never stop.
I've been holding all this in. There ya go. I look and will act fine.
I'm not. If I could sleep through July and August every single year, I would. I do hate those months THAT much.
Sigh.
4 comments:
We do need to catch up and he does need to get a vasectomy. I'm sorry love. I'm so very sorry. I've been having these odd emotional tugs at me from all over the place and then I learn someone I love dearly has been going through something tough in the direction towards which I was being pulled. I'm probably just extra crazy and my mind is making that up or I've finally bought into my family's belief that I "knew things," or whatever. I feel so mid 1990's right now. I never did then. You know- Life sucks. I don't want to care about anything. Everything is pain and I am numb- and that stuff...
I wish I could give you a hug. I doubt I could let go, though.
I feel the same way about September and February. I dread them coming round.
I'm sorry you've had to go through another emotionally challenging and heartbreaking month Whitney. Whilst I know you're strong enough to get through anything, I can only imagine what you're feeling right now. :-( ... and I wish I could help. I really do... Love S x
Listening and loving you. It's simply so much for one heart to bear. You must be more than human, some sort of goddess right? Because one human just couldn't take all of that. xox
Every so often I check on your blog to see if you've written any new entries. I'm always excited when I see that you have. Although, since you seem to use this blog to vent negative emotions (that's one of their best uses, I find), a new post often signals things aren't going well. I'm not excited to see that.
You mention looking and acting fine. Why do you martyr yourself so much? It doesn't seem healthy. I worry it fosters frustration and even rage. You know bullshit when you see it. Don't take it!
And I agree with Icc, although s/he put it more politely. Where the HELL is A's vasectomy? It is unacceptable that your body is going through all this, and it's not good for your mind either.
Sorry if I sound harsh or overbearing. I don't mean it that way. What I'm aiming for is honesty, helpful honesty. You're my friend and I want you to feel better.
Hugs to you.
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