Defeated and fatalistic

I am in a remarkably foul mood.

"Why?" you wonder.
Or more likely than not, you think, "Again? Now what?"

C had a high fever yesterday. 103.7 F. Obviously, we kept her home from school. Only "we" keeping her home from school means I take off work and do quite a bit of work around the house.

When her temperature neared 104 last night, I decided right then and there that even if she cooled off by the morning, she would not be going in to school the next day. Of course, her fever is still present, though cooling. She's not herself, and needs the day off to just rest.

A is sick too, with a similar but different illness. While C's is more like a flu, A's is more like a very severe cold.

I've been taking care of them both, and I am glad that I am healthy enough to do so...because let's face it: even if I was sick, I would still be the one having to take care of everyone else.

Back to the source of my foul mood: I have a group therapy appointment every Tuesday at 6:15. The time may change soon, but for now, this has been consistant for over a year. My sister would watch C for me, and that was helpful. But as you know, my sister is in Texas, and watching C for me isn't an option.

I talked with A and my father about watching C, and they had agreed.

Oh, but oh, oh, oh, oh...

A is sick and loopy on DayQuil. (I didn't realize DayQuil could make you loopy). He doesn't feel like he can watch C while at work, which I totally understand.

My father had agreed to watch her for me, though. Tonight. I'm so glad I called him just now though, because he doesn't think he'll be back from a court hearing to watch her. Great. Thanks a freakin' lot.

My biggest issue is asking for help. I've asked for help--not much, might I add, either. I've asked the two main men in my life to help me out.

And they can't.

And because they can't, I feel defeated. What's the point? I'm wondering. Why do I bother to try and improve myself when no one is willing to help me? Why do I make plans so others can completely disregard my own needs? A said he'll make it work, somehow. But I can hear the reluctance in his voice, and I know he's sick. He really has too much to do at this point. He'd be at work, dealing with customers, and a two-and-a-half-year old.

So I'm here. With C. All by myself. No adult company. I'm tired of the millionth tea-party in the past hour, but I feel like such a piece of shit for saying that. Really, though, it's not entertaining to me, especially since we've been doing this ALL weekend.

I feel forgotten. I feel unimportant.
I feel like I've fought to make space for myself, only to have others wipe it away.

What else can I do? I am wondering. The two people I would call on to watch C have just started school and I'm not comfortable asking them at this point in the semester. Plus she's sick--I don't want her to infect them.

AH! I feel like such a fatalist, a defeatist. Why do I bother with anything? I think I'm going to have to stop going to group; it's not fair to the others.

I'm so angry. And of course, I want to take it out on myself. Not eat. When I do eat, purge. Who cares? Why should I bother to take care of myself?