growing pains

I had a migraine (surprise, surprise) that took me out for two days this past week. I had already requested time off from work on these days so that I could help A with the move of his store.
What I hand-wrote on November 4:
I feel pretty crappy right now. I took two days off work to help A move his store. Did I help him? No. I developed a migraine. A goddamn migraine. I’m so sick of these things. I let people down. I fail at life because of these things which I have no control…

I go on then, but I go on about the legalities and rights bestowed on married v. unmarried couples. That’s another post.

Yesterday, I did spend half the day helping A set up shop. I feel so invisible to him, though. Maybe he loves me. Maybe he appreciates me. But I feel like something is off. (It’s me.) I’m guessing that it’s a combination of my emotions being a little all over the place, as tends to happen post-migraine. I’m guessing that it’s a combination of stress—A’s stress fuels my stress about law school and all that jazz. I’m feeling unsupported. I’m cheering him on in setting up his new store, eager to help in any way. But this whole time, child care is my responsibility. Household duties are mine. A’s stress and frustration is mine to hear. Lucky me. Lucky, lucky me.

And I feel like crap for whining, because my life has been so much worse. But that doesn’t mean I have to settle, does it? A needs to learn to manage stress. I’m gonna have plenty of stress in law school (IF I get in), and I’m still gonna take C to school, cook dinner, etc. I need to have a well-rounded life.

Oh, and yesterday, after I helped him, he put his foot squarely in his mouth. I was talking about what to include in my purpose statement for law school apps, and I mentioned how I taught in Greece. “Yeah, but no offense, you went with your parents paying.”

EXCUSE ME?

I stayed calm. (How?!) “Um, I do take offense at that. Quite a bit. I was paid to go to Greece and I had scholarships each and every time I went as a student.”

A looked chagrined. “Oops. My bad.” He mumbled.

“You shouldn’t assume things, A.” I said quietly. I think I said it. Maybe I thought it. I was just glad to get out of the car so I could be by myself for a short amount of time and cry.

Things hurt right now. I hope it’s just growing pains, though.