Mid-December News

I guess I’ve been quiet of late. Wait, no—not quiet. But not posting much here. So here’s a rambling catch-up in no order of significance whatsoever:

* This time of the year is always painful for me, and not because of the holidays. The pain comes from nature. To me, this has been and continues to be the saddest time of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. Everything is dying or dead; a line from a poem I wrote summarizes how essential this is, however:

I love spring. I hate spring.
Rebirth implies a necessity to replace life,
implies a certain yet uncertain
death.

Ah yes…only someone truly depressed can see into the sinister side of spring as the flowers bloom.

Oh, let me back up. By “this time of the year,” I am referring to the two weeks before the Winter Solstice. The sunlight is dying, the darkness of night creeps in earlier each afternoon and lingers a little too long every daybreak. In Florida, the trees are shedding their leaves and let me explain to my non-Florida readers and friends: most of the trees shed their leaves overnight. One morning, you wake up and the branches are naked, writhing toward the sky in pain. Very few trees change colours.

* I suppose my feelings about this time of the year correspond with the myth of Demeter. If you’re unfamiliar with the myth of Demeter, please read the Homeric Hymn of Demeter here and be sure to note this line:

“Woman, I wish you kharis back, and then some. May the gods give you good things."

Think about my life and why I relate now to Demeter: having an abortion and later having a child. Think about how as a teenager, struggling with a life-threatening illness and being hospitalized for a month, I could have related to Persephone.

Demeter, to me, is the all-powerful Goddess in Greek mythology. She uses her intellect to outsmart the patriarchy. Unlike Athena, she is brilliant AND has a family. Demeter, to me, is in many ways a modern woman. I could continue on about this, but that’s another post in itself.

* The night before last, I had a nightmare about B. In my dream, B was sick. Something was wrong with his blood—high blood pressure, high blood sugar, I can’t quite remember. But he was lying in his parents car, unconscious. His sister screamed at me where they were taking him, and I stopped whatever dream-activity I was doing and immediately rushed to the hospital.
But I didn’t find out what was wrong with him because I woke up. I proceeded to make C’s lunch, but couldn’t shake this deeply rooted unsettled feeling. I did some yoga and reflected. Within five minutes, I was thinking, “I’m just going to enjoy every moment that I have today.”
And I was able to let it go.

* This morning, as I was rushing out the door to the DMV, I realized another reason why this time of the year is so sad for me that came to me in the thought, “B died at some point within the next month.” And it’s true. If you’ll recall previous thoughts of mine, I’ve always felt that B is dead. The person I loved is no longer there. Not really. But I don’t have the closure of an anniversary, or having a place to mourn and remember him. But I remember in 2005, I flew out to spend my Christmas break with him. And it was truly the last time I spent with him where he was without symptoms of his illness. So I will think of sometime in late-December/early-January as his date of death.
It’s so sad. But the part of B that’s now dead lives on not just through our daughter, but also through me. I will never forget how much he helped me learn about myself. How he taught me how to relax, how to go with the flow, how to sit back and laugh. For that, I am eternally thankful. I miss him and I love him. But I love him as a friend, and I miss him as a friend. As a lover, a person to spend the rest of my life with…no.

*  So let’s talk about a lover and a person with whom I want to share and live the rest of my life: A. *gush* I am more than 99.99999 % sure that he’s going to propose to me around Christmas time. Call it a gut instinct. Is this something I want? Definitely. Does it make me nervous? Yes.
Odd.

But I’ll wait to feel anxious/nervous if/when he does propose. For now, I have work to do, law schools to apply to, gifts to finish making, and books to read.

*  I always feel so grateful for this outlet here. If you’re reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Chances are you’ve helped me in more ways than I can ever express.