no exit

I sit with my daughter on my lap, crying and feeling trapped. I can’t see a reason to go on in life. I can’t seem to get a damn break. My god, I love my daughter, but I can’t take this. I am a failure of a mother. Her father left me, and is it any wonder? I’m a horrible disgusting person.

I used to think things would get better. My god, I was an idiotic optimist, thinking and hoping that B would willingly get better. I used to believe that somehow, someway, B and I would land on our feet and be together and happy once more.

I am an idiot. Not one of those things happened.

Is it any wonder I cannot have hope for the future? Why should I? It contains much worse things than I can even imagine. There is no happy ending. There is no happiness, period.

I was staring outside the kitchen window, vacantly, when my sister asked, “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing,” I said, keeping my watering eyes trained to the brown leaves littering the lawn. For as far as she was concerned, I was looking at nothing. How could I possibly explain to her that as I stared at the backyard, my mind raced to this time last year. C and I, playing in the backyard. B curled up on the couch, not moving, not coming to watch us play, not coming to play with us. What a horrible loss for him! And what a horrible loss for our daughter…That scene repeated so many times from November 2007 to March 2008, when he finally left.

For a while, now, I’ve been wondering what signs of B’s great unhappiness I’ve missed. Forget that he had an untreated case of bipolar disorder. Somehow this has to be my fault. Is this my ED at work? You betcha. Do I care enough to fight the thoughts? I don’t have the energy.

I have convinced myself that I was too demanding in our relationship. That I wanted and expected too much from him, and that I wasn’t as sympathetic toward his illness as I should have been. In my eyes, I was and am an unforgivable bitch. I expected too much from him by expecting him to function like a regular human being.

He said in his break-up letter that he loves me too much. That’s total bullshit. He doesn’t love me, he never did. He simply felt sorry for me and pitied me for 6.5 years. I was in love, but he never was.

I feel so pathetic, so unlovable. Not only am I unlovable, but I don’t feel like I deserve love. I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, haunting myself with how disgusting I am.

I want this to end. I’m sick of life—the pain far outweighs any joy or happiness or numbness. What good is there?