quiet

I've been quiet this past month.

It all started with a phone call from B's social worker, Dawn. My cell phone had fallen out of my purse fortuitously and spent the afternoon underneath the passenger seat in the car when Dawn called me. Her message was obnoxiously cheerful and downright perky. Among the things she said in her message:

"I believe we talked before!"
She uttered these words like our last conversation was a good conversation. I grant that Dawn is only the messenger, but the messenger should have some tact. Our last conversation consisted of Dawn relaying the message that B didn't want me to call him. Ouch. How could that possibly be conceived of as a good conversation? It was devastating.

"B has been approved for social security benefits, and this means that Charis is entitled to money!"
Again, she exclaims this as though she's telling me good news. But how is that good news? I don't love B for the money (and yes, pathetic though it may seem, I still do love him). That B has been approved for social security means that he's too sick to work; that is not good news.

Dawn left her number so I could call her back. She needs my address, so the state can mail me the check for Charis.

It's been almost a month, and I haven't called her back.

I know I should. It's not about the money, which I don't want. It's about Charis being taken care of and having every opportunity she deserves. And yet, I cannot trust myself to call Dawn back. This poor woman. No doubt she's overworked. No doubt it's her job to sound so cheerful (I know, I have friends who are social workers who've told me that they have to do that to distance themselves from their clients.) No doubt she is the messenger and knows very little about B or my relationship with him.

But I want to shoot the messenger. I want to order her to stop being so damn cheerful. There is nothing to be chipper about!

I want to cry and beg and plead with her to give me information about B. How is he? Does he seem sane to her? Does he miss me? There is no way she could know this...and yet she has something I don't: she has contact with B.

And I dislike her for that.

So that's been one issue this month.

Another issue has been H, my sister. She successfully defended her master's thesis, and C & I flew out to Waco, Texas to help her. The week I spent there felt like servitude. I was my sister's gopher, at her beck-and-call. We return home only to find her being lazy. She hasn't cleaned up after herself, all in the name of "I'm working on my thesis." I feel more than a little resentful that I couldn't get support from my family when I was working on my thesis, when I was sexually harassed, etc. I feel resentful that no one in my family seems to understand how truly devastated I am about B's breaking up with me. My family gets upset by the fact he may be hurting his daughter. But their daughter? Apparently, I am worthless. I'm sure that's not how they feel, but that's the message I get.

I was talking to my mom honestly yesterday, and explaining how much I'm not looking forward to the holidays and the birthdays.

"But C is worth it." my mom said.

Worth what? I will be seeing her smile through eyes filled with tears that I can't cry because I never get a damn moment to myself! It hurts. C's smile hurts, because it's a smile B is missing. My mom stupidly thinks that B and/or his family will be in touch with my come Christmas. To say I'm skeptical doesn't begin to describe the doubt I have in that statement.

As the days grow shorter, I find myself wanting more and more to just disappear.

I am heartbroken.
I am tired.
I can't get a break.
C deserves a better mom than I am.

. . .