what to do

I’m baking cornbread to take in to C’s school for their Thanksgiving party. The cornbread will take a while to bake, and in the meantime, I have no idea what to do with myself. I woke up in a decent enough mood, but after I dropped C off at school, I had to run to the grocery store to get some supplies for making cornbread (including, yes, corn). The grocery store has stocked up on Christmas paraphernalia since before Halloween, and yet seeing the Christmas paraphernalia makes me sad. It’s like a reminder, a great big “Hello!” of what I’m missing the most this year.

Now, to be perfectly honest, seeing the Christmas decorations etc has always had a tendency to make me sad. It’s usually cheap stuff made in China, and I have always felt a strange sympathy for the workers, aside from the usual human-rights concerns. I have always felt quite strongly that making these cheap decorations, working in a factory and painting red cheeks on cherub angels, glittering the wings of plastic or cheap ceramic presents…that all must make you hate the Christmas holiday. And yes, I do realize that many Chinese may not observe Christmas, but still…having been raised as a Christian, these gaudy baubles always serve as a reminder to me that all is not equal in the world, that there is still so much unhappiness.

I digress, though. Enough about mass consumerism and all that—I haven’t the emotional energy to be outraged or concerned (though I should) on a meaningful level. Instead, I am of course wrapped up in my own thoughts, focused on my own losses. I have had to put a mental wall up to the outside world, because the pain out there is too great, has the power to completely and totally overwhelm me and lead me to think “What’s the point?”

I am selfishly shutting out the rest of the world right now. All that’s in my world are you, if you’re reading this, my friends, my family, and anyone with whom I deal with over the next couple weeks. Outside from that, I cannot care. I am just unable to at this moment.

The cornbread is still baking, and I’ve still no idea what to do with myself. This is going to be a problem given that I’m not going to work the rest of the week, plus the weekend…so that’s five days I’ve got to figure out what to do with myself. Of course, C will be home and with me the other four days. I should relax but I don’t know how to do that. I used to. With B, I used to be able to sit still, to sit quietly. Comfortable silences. Spontaneous conversation. But not anymore.

I won’t lie: of course I’ve been thinking of B and his family. I’m more than a little angry that no one in his family has reached out to C. She’s such a precious and sweet little girl. It’s hard to believe people who claimed to “love her so much!” would be able to cut her out of their life so swiftly and so finally. Thanksgiving is a huge holiday for B’s family—since his parents are from different religious backgrounds, Thanksgiving is instead the time of the biggest family gathering. All the aunts and cousins gather together from the Eastern shore at B’s parent’s house. I know that B’s aunts are there, visiting his parents. And it is so disappointing to know that not one of them has reached out to me or to C in any way whatsoever. I may not have thought very highly of B’s family all the time, but even at their worst, I stupidly and naively assumed that someone might actually reach out to C. God, wouldn’t you think that they are morally and ethically required to reach out to C, given that I, her evil mother, apparently caused B’s illness?

Thanksgiving is a time of togetherness, and yet I feel so alone. I wish so much that I could sleep and wake up to have it be February. I don’t want to go through December and holiday parties. I’m the only one of my friends whose the mother of a toddler. And I’m the only one who is single.

Ouch and ouch.

I am going to be 29 in January. What is there to celebrate? What have I accomplished? I’ve simply managed to find myself in a hole dug by others, and I cannot find the way out of this..

The cornbread is still baking. I can hear my sister streaming an episode of ‘The Office’ on her laptop.

I still haven’t a clue what to do with myself.