saddish and open to ideas

I’ve been feeling sad of late.


"Is there some anniversary coming up that I don't realize?"

Well, the only thing I can think of is that 6 years ago tomorrow, I hydroplaned
off the interstate. (I have an insane memory for dates).

I mean…that’s it. Nothing else.

And yet, I’m sad.

Why?


But today, I woke up and decided to let go of asking why and just be. I will be a tad melancholic today. Tomorrow. Next week. However long it lasts. I
certainly don’t enjoy feeling sad, and I don’t enjoy feeling sad for no
apparent reason.



Maybe—and I’m thinking out loud here—maybe I’m sad because in a month, I will be married. This is, no doubt, something I want very much. But in other ways, it’s a definite end to a
previous “me.” Of course, being married won’t define me just as the fact that
I’m a mom doesn’t define me. Nor does my eating disorder, or the fact that I
had an abortion, or any of my previous relationships.

All of these experiences are part of the whole; this is who I am.

And who I am constantly grows and changes. Thank god! My biggest fear is not
learning, not growing, not changing (though I’m realizing that given my
inquisitive mind, for me to not learn/change/grow is…well…kinda not really
possible.)




So maybe I’m anticipating change. I know in other cultures there are meaningful traditions that help women as they become mothers. Our culture doesn’t really have that. And likewise, these
cultures have traditions that mark the change and celebrate a woman as she
prepares to marry.

Again, our culture doesn’t have that. At least, nothing that I would find meaningful. No offense,
but a bridal shower or bachelorette party are 1.) not my sort of thing and 2.)
not the meaningful, ceremonial, traditional way to honour the past and bestow
best wishes for the future. Oh, and 3--not something I expect to have! LOL



So maybe I have to make something
up myself. Any thoughts? Suggestions? Ideas?