What can I say? I advocate for reproductive rights—abortion rights, birth control access. It shouldn’t be surprising that I also stand firmly by the idea that healthy women should be allowed to choose how they wish to give birth. It’s part of a the reproductive cycle, and definitely a human right to be allowed choice and freedom in labor and birth.
But at this moment, I feel like I'm just a vessel to all ob-gyns. That what I want doesn't matter.
But at this moment, I feel like I'm just a vessel to all ob-gyns. That what I want doesn't matter.
(Way to go at winning back my support of you all. This was the reason I left ob-gyn’s in the first place—I wasn’t listened to when I knew my birth control wasn’t working in 2003, and bam! I’m pregnant and having an abortion.)
Chalk up this super emotional, pissy rant to hormones. I don’t care and quite frankly, it doesn't MATTER if this is hormone induced frustration or not. (I doubt it is). The bottom line and the key to remember is that these are my feelings, and at this point, these are pretty hurt feelings. I feel like my wishes won't mean a damn thing in the end.
Chalk up this super emotional, pissy rant to hormones. I don’t care and quite frankly, it doesn't MATTER if this is hormone induced frustration or not. (I doubt it is). The bottom line and the key to remember is that these are my feelings, and at this point, these are pretty hurt feelings. I feel like my wishes won't mean a damn thing in the end.
Choice? In childbirth? Ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha! Silly, delusional ContraWhit!
It's looking close to impossible to have a VBAC, even in the hospital, never mind the home-birth I wanted to try. When I was talking to A about my frustration last night, his response was not appreciated at all.
He said, "Well, I still have to take the baby to the hospital to be circumcised."
Thanks for that icing on the cake, dear. (Uh, no, we have not yet reached an agreement about that.) I just went silent; it does seem like the better option (as opposed to wrangling his neck). I wasn't talking about fucking circumcision, I was talking about labor, dumbass. I was so angry and hurt I just sat there. He didn't seem to notice. Should I have said something? Of course. But I didn’t feel like I could without totally losing it (wrangling his neck).
I also felt—and maybe still do feel—overwhelmed by this urge to live in the forest by myself for labor. Okay, so I won't actually do that, but...
It feels like everyone has a say in this but me. When I do talk, it's glossed over, ignored, whatever. "Make sure the baby is healthy" is what I'm told.
Because, you know, it's so selfish of me to care about myself: my physical health and my mental health. I am NOT going to thrive postpartum if I feel I've been forced to birth in a way I don’t want. I know myself well enough to know that I will just withdraw and probably lapse back into wanting to be invisible. In other words, “hello depression and not-eating.”
And you know, it's also insulting because it’s not like I don't love this baby fiercely. Of course I want this baby to be healthy. That's why I'm looking at VBAC, idiots. The ONLY reason I've been given on why I can't VBAC is, "well, you had a C-section once." Many midwives look at my entire history and say, "Yeah, you can VBAC" and praise my labor with C as a good one that was probably stalled due to the emotional aspect of B and his illness. But no doctor will sign off on a VBAC here--they're happy to cut me open, perform a live vivisection. I acknowledge fully that’s a total hyperbole, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. I have no choice.
I'm fine with a C-section IF IT'S MY CHOICE.
But it's not my choice right now. Other people who have never met me know more about my body and well-being, supposedly, than do I, the person who’s resided in this flesh for 30 years.
I'm so tempted to just stop prenatal care altogether right now. What’s the point? I’ll just do a guerilla birth at home, by myself. Maybe I’ll get a hotel room and cloister myself during labor. It’ll be close to the hospital should complications arise, and the hotel will have a nice big tub in which to labor. I’ll just do it all by myself.
It's looking close to impossible to have a VBAC, even in the hospital, never mind the home-birth I wanted to try. When I was talking to A about my frustration last night, his response was not appreciated at all.
He said, "Well, I still have to take the baby to the hospital to be circumcised."
Thanks for that icing on the cake, dear. (Uh, no, we have not yet reached an agreement about that.) I just went silent; it does seem like the better option (as opposed to wrangling his neck). I wasn't talking about fucking circumcision, I was talking about labor, dumbass. I was so angry and hurt I just sat there. He didn't seem to notice. Should I have said something? Of course. But I didn’t feel like I could without totally losing it (wrangling his neck).
I also felt—and maybe still do feel—overwhelmed by this urge to live in the forest by myself for labor. Okay, so I won't actually do that, but...
It feels like everyone has a say in this but me. When I do talk, it's glossed over, ignored, whatever. "Make sure the baby is healthy" is what I'm told.
Because, you know, it's so selfish of me to care about myself: my physical health and my mental health. I am NOT going to thrive postpartum if I feel I've been forced to birth in a way I don’t want. I know myself well enough to know that I will just withdraw and probably lapse back into wanting to be invisible. In other words, “hello depression and not-eating.”
And you know, it's also insulting because it’s not like I don't love this baby fiercely. Of course I want this baby to be healthy. That's why I'm looking at VBAC, idiots. The ONLY reason I've been given on why I can't VBAC is, "well, you had a C-section once." Many midwives look at my entire history and say, "Yeah, you can VBAC" and praise my labor with C as a good one that was probably stalled due to the emotional aspect of B and his illness. But no doctor will sign off on a VBAC here--they're happy to cut me open, perform a live vivisection. I acknowledge fully that’s a total hyperbole, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. I have no choice.
I'm fine with a C-section IF IT'S MY CHOICE.
But it's not my choice right now. Other people who have never met me know more about my body and well-being, supposedly, than do I, the person who’s resided in this flesh for 30 years.
I'm so tempted to just stop prenatal care altogether right now. What’s the point? I’ll just do a guerilla birth at home, by myself. Maybe I’ll get a hotel room and cloister myself during labor. It’ll be close to the hospital should complications arise, and the hotel will have a nice big tub in which to labor. I’ll just do it all by myself.
Okay, so I probably won’t do that because it’s rude, it’d scare the shit out of A and our families.
But right now, as tears stream down my face, I just don't see a point in prenatal care or anything else.
It feels as though no one seems to care about me and my wishes.
I am not respected as an autonomous, rational person. I’m just a fat waddling pregnant thing.
I'm sorry I'm so bitter and angry. I just feel very hopeless right now and need to vent a bit so I can clear my head and deal with everything in a more productive way.
I am not respected as an autonomous, rational person. I’m just a fat waddling pregnant thing.
I'm sorry I'm so bitter and angry. I just feel very hopeless right now and need to vent a bit so I can clear my head and deal with everything in a more productive way.
1 comment:
My mom had a vaginal birth (me) after a C-section (my older sister). Both labors were in the hospital, and I'm not sure of the circumstances that influenced the decisions for each birth, but I do know she made the choice for herself both times.
I'm with you regarding circumcision. I don't see it as anything other than genital mutilation.
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