Please Pretend that I'm Out of Town, okay?

[Title is a LeTigre lyric.]

Upon self-reflection, I realized that much of what’s bothering me about the whole birth and circumcision issues are that I am not feeling like I am listened to or heard when I voice my opinions. I am not expecting to get what I want, but I would appreciate it greatly if my voice was validated by being heard.

Yes, you all hear me and listen to me, and I am grateful for you.

But I cannot talk to my mw at all about VBAC. She’s absolutely, adamantly against any type of VBAC for no medical reason, just “that’s how it’s done.”

I tried to talk to A about this, but I don’t think understands how, when I think of not having the choice of a C-section or VBAC, I get an image in my head. A gruesome image. I am a headless body, naked. I am strapped in a Christ-like pose, with IVs pouring fluids into both my arms. I am bleeding profusely from a gaping abdomen wound. The edges of the wound are ragged, as though I’ve been torn apart savagely. There is a doctor above me, with a bloody butcher-style knife.

That’s the real issue. Not having a choice. I don’t view my past C-section as savage in any way. Yet the idea that I have no choice in labor and delivery renders me a mere body, not someone with a mind or head. And a deeply wounded body at that. 

I decided last night to try and explain to A my feelings of being totally out of control. I had no intention of sharing that image with him, but instead reminding him that I just need to be heard. 

I managed to say that much. Something to the extent of, “You’re the most important person to me, and I need you to understand that I’m very frustrated because I am not feeling respected or heard by—“

And…that was all I managed to say. He talked over me (triggering of past experiences and just kind of missing the point of my not feeling heard). He started talking about the circumcision issue. I asked repeatedly that we not talk about it tonight, I was hurting emotionally for other reasons.

Was I heard?

Well, I’m blogging about it. So no. Or maybe I was heard, and automatically dismissed.

 So let’s spell these feelings of powerlessness and despair that I’ve been feeling BEFORE this unproductive conversation:

I may be forced to give birth in a way I have no say over, and my child will be forced to have an operation which I have no say over. (Only one parent has to agree under law to this elective procedure.)  

In tears, I retreated to our bedroom. I just wanted 5 minutes to cry, compose myself, and then be okay. I asked to be left alone for five minutes.

Instead, A followed me back and kept citing  these “statistics” he found at WHO. He claimed that more than half the world’s population was circumcised. Apparently, A cannot read statistics. I knew that was wrong when he said it last night but I put a pillow over my head to keep myself from storming out of the house and running, because I’m not supposed to be running when pregnant.  This morning, however, I came to work and found, should you be interested, this: 

This is from the American College of Emergency Physicians, which, as far as I can tell, is a group that has no known bias for or against circumcision.

http://www.acep.org/MobileArticle.aspx?parentfeedid=4&feed_id=imn080420101635228885&parentid=742

The WHO is decidedly pro-circumcision, which is fine, they still produce fairly accurate statistics. In a pamphlet/brochure on the WHO website, I find “Approximately 30% of males are estimated to be circumcised globally, of whom an estimated two thirds are Muslim.”

From http://whqlibdoc.who.int/publications/2007/9789241596169_eng.pdf

I was going to send that to him via e-mail, but I’m truly feeling utter despondency and hopelessness right now. The word “autonomy” kept bouncing around my head last night, as in “I have none, I’m pregnant.”  As A was talking over me, I fell silent. Why bother? It’s clear, it feels, that my opinions and thoughts…do not matter. 

I’m a mere vessel.

I’m ashamed to admit this, but for a brief second, I wondered why I was pregnant and whether or not this was a mistake. Then I thought I’d just disappear all by myself during labor. Perhaps laboring by myself is the most conducive thing for me, because over the past two days, I feel like I’m the only person who 1. isn’t terrified of the risks of VBAC. (And it must be stated here that the risks of a repeat C-section are actually higher and more serious overall than VBAC—ACOG admits this.) 2. doesn’t want an elective operation performed on our child. 3. believes in my body’s ability to labor and deliver a child, or in my own ability to recognize that I need help. 

Come February, if I’m gone for a day or two, I’m probably just hanging out in the woods, laboring by myself amongst the dead leaves and bare trees.  

The real issue isn’t the C-section/VBAC. It isn’t the circumcision debate. Regardless of what ends up happening, I’m sure our child will be fine and won’t be scarred by whatever is decided. 

The issue is: this is my body and my child, and I would very much like a say—or at least, to just be heard--regarding what is ultimately decided.  

I really would just like to disappear. I don't want to talk. There is nothing to be happy about right now. And even if I was happy, what does it matter? It's not like I'm heard. (super passive-aggressive there, apologies!)

I feel hopeless and despondent. I do not use those words lightly, either.