Yeah, yeah. On 9/11, but not really

This is more about me, on 9/11, then it is about the actual events that took place 10 years ago.

Okay, so 10 years ago...

I was in college. And I was suffering from a major recurrance of depression. In fact, it was 10 years ago that I finally got my depression under control after battling with it for 7-8 years (diagnosed).

So what I remember should be understood as being seen through the thick veil of depression.
And when I remember 10 years ago, I remember how disconnected I felt.

To this day, I think, "I don't think this even affected me the way it should have."

Is there a should? Not really.

But still, I hold myself to some standard I can never meet. I could have always done better, etc.

So yeah...10 years ago, I was having unwanted thoughts about hurting myself (I never acted on) and just trying to get through day to day. I guess for ME to survive I had to block out 9/11, to not be emotionally moved by it the way it seems millions of others were.

And then...my mind fast-forwards to the 5th year anniversary. Perhaps 5 years and times had changed?

I remember I taught myself to knit. I remember that B and I were living in a hotel room. You got that? I was 6-7 months pregnant, homeless, without prenatal care.

Not the cheeriest memory I have, either. I still remember that hotel room. We lived there for 2 months. I've never told my parents about that. At this point, why? But yes, we were very much homeless. And I kept stupidly thinking things would get better. B would get better.

Oh, how dumb I can be.

So there you go. 9/11 triggers these memories for me. It's selfish, but I tune out as much as I can regarding the memorial, etc.  I can't deal with the two memories combined. In fact, the 2nd one (the 5 year anniversary) still hurts to think about.

Depressive people tend to ruminate...I'm fitting the bill, apparently.