I had to go to the doctor this afternoon. I have mastitis. In over 3
years (total between two children) of nursing, this a first for me.
A painful first.
Given that I'm uninsured, I was reluctant to go. But the thought of
having my breast lanced or something equally horrific was enough to
motivate me to get it looked at.
At least the antibiotic I was prescribed (and which is already working--yay!) was obtained for free at Publix.
Score!
Why did I develop mastitis for the time just now?
Well, I can't talk or think about Troy Davis, peace be upon his family, without tearing up.
These are tears of the deepest saddest, and strongest anger. I want to
break all the dishes in the kitchen. I want to run until I pass out.
These sorts of emotions make me not care about myself, and I have to
remind myself that if I don't take care of myself, I cannot help, I
cannot work to make things better.
I've considered withdrawing my law school app from UGA, but am torn.
Perhaps I can make a small difference, but difference nonetheless, if I
do end up in Georgia for law school. I've considered, quite seriously,
becoming a public defensive attorney. ( God bless my mom for being so
supportive.)
The pain, and anger, the hurt is so damn raw right now. If you see me,
please know I am hurting. I think this is a hurt you never get over, but
you learn to deal with, to motivate you to bring about changes that
should have existed in the first place.
Okay--cutting it off here because I'm sobbing all over again. I love you
all. Thank you for your support of Troy and yes, of me. Of getting why I
cared and why I still care.
3 comments:
Now you can understand my motivations!
it's been a handful of days and i'm not sleeping well (ok- sleeping poorly is my norm but i'm taking it to another level) and i don't know- i've just been having the worst nightmares and terribly weird dreams. my darling guy says i've been shouting angry things and cursing a lot in my sleep.
side note: he's been going through serious treatments so i'm really really trying to be mindful of that while trying also not to think about how he dozed off to sleep while i waited, watching Amy Goodman, taking comfort in friends seen via that broadcast while a man was being killed. i let him know how it felt and how hard it was to be so alone at that time...
but i dunno- i'm not sure how to deal with this. i'm thinking back to how my old bestie was when the first case he was investigator on was lost and the guy sentenced to death. he wasn't sober for maybe a month and he spent most evenings in the fetal position in bed... i didn't understand that as much then as i do now.
i just have no idea- no clue- what do i do? how do i get beyond this emotional roller coaster through hell? and while my darling guy is being there for me as much as he can be (having 1-the treatments three days a week for the past two weeks and this coming week and 2- having not been so devoted to this case for the past 6 or 7 years).
i feel so lost and helpless and hopeless and angry and hate-filled and upset an have not a clue how to get through it and process...i hate being in a new town right now.
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