I want it all

I want it all.

I want to jump right into this. It feels right--in my head and in my heart. I know, however, that's not the smartest thing. And I sit here, thinking about the past couple months, realizing that I have moved as fast as I can and stay safe.

Because of the past, I have so many doubts. "When he is going to change?" I wonder. And I don't mean the usual change you would expect in a relationship. When is he going to get sick and when will he stop being the person I fell in love with?

A is not B.
A does not equal B.

And yet, I want this so much that I blow these small insecurities of mine into a massive, massive worry. For example, last night, A said something about how he wants to be that male role model for C. And now I'm thinking, "Omg, that's the only reason he's with me, he feels sorry for her."

And I know that it's not true. He's with me because he loves me. (I think?) I mean, he does love me. I'm not sure why he loves me, but he does. Go figure. So I just have to accept, as a fact, "He loves me."

I also have to accept, as a fact, something I've not really fathomed, either. "He doesn't mind the fact I have C."

He doesn't.

I really cannot grasp these two truths, these two statements. It's too much, it doesn't make sense to me.

Ah, and who am I to write that? Feelings so often don't make sense. I can't make sense out of things going "right" in my life at this moment...

Maybe I should feel sorry for myself? That I have been so unhappy the past couple years that I'm not used to things going "right?"

(Bless you if this makes any sense at all.)