I love this site, and this is what came up for me today:
It is always consoling to think
of suicide: in that way one gets
through many a bad night.
It seems so apropos, so fitting.
Morbid bride to be? Me?
I'm emotionally tired. I am mentally exhausted. I feel such an utter lack of support from my family and even some people who aren't family per se, but might as well be.
My sister is going through a hard time. She's developed extreme anxiety and her depression is acting up. I just got off the phone with her actually, and she's doing better. But it seems my parents only have the energy to be nice to one daughter at a time. H and I were talking about that, actually. How when I was suffering from my ED and in the hospital, my mom was incredibly, er...not the nicest...to my sister.
But I'm not sure if it's that so much as it's more that I'm happy and moving on with my life. Whenever this has happened, my parents have responded wonderfully verbally. "We're so proud of you." "We're so happy for you."
This praise is meaningless when the downpour of criticism follows. The never-ending "you should have" (or shouldn't have). The "you could have done better."
Could I have done better with everything in life? Yeah, I suppose so. But then, that wouldn't be me. That would be my ED.
This praise is meaningless when the downpour of criticism follows. The never-ending "you should have" (or shouldn't have). The "you could have done better."
Could I have done better with everything in life? Yeah, I suppose so. But then, that wouldn't be me. That would be my ED.
And no one would win with that victory, would they?
Let me clarify: I am not thinking of suicide, and the times I HAVE thought about it, I've realized, are more about escape than death. In recent posts, I have expressed this "escape" fantasy. I still find myself thinking of it...longingly...
I guess I feel very alone in a crowd. I feel like isolating myself, which is never, ever a good sign. So I'm not. I'm smiling, I'm making jokes, I'm pretending.
I mean, I am happy. But I'm disappointed and hurt, too. And that's what I feel more than anything right now.
3 comments:
Hey whitters. Give me a call if you need to talk. I figured it would be the last thing on your mind since before a wedding is so busy but if you need to give a call. I don't think its the end of the world to think about escape, I have thought about some form of escape or suicide many times while knowing that is not the path for me. Sometimes I find it is good to withdraw and find some peace in God's creation or within myself, other times it is good to be with others, but those who build you up. Be gentle to yourself, mainly. Know that weddings are stressful and your parents aren't making it easier. But know too, that you have accomplished alot already and the wisdom you have gained, however difficult or painful it was to acquire, will serve you well on the rest of your journey, whatever your future endeavors may be...
love
aly 352-672-1459
I wish I was in your IRL circle of support. You need a tea time with me. xox. You can call anytime.
i'll be there thursday night and hopefully by then you'll have moved pass this place. if not we can sit up late and have tickle/ pillow fights and all of that other stuff we used to do in college!
in all sorts of serious-ness please know that i am SO proud of you for not isolating. or napping. or indulging in other methods of coping with depression/ stress/ anxiety/ mental health issues. i tend to get down on myself when i SHOULD be happy and instead i'm in the depths of a bad, bad depression. remember that if there were something making you feel a little down it would be just that---feeling a little down and not depression.
after a nasty break up i was really upset and so sad. and then i felt so excited----i was crying because i was sad and NOT depressed. i was super thrilled to be SAD!
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