next week, I'll be at work...

This morning, as I was making C's lunch, I looked over at E, smiling and playing. I thought, "next week, I'll be at work."

And I started bawling. Absolutely bawling.

Why the tears? Is it because I'm ending my maternity leave? 

I mean, folks, I'm fortunate. When I return to work, E will be with me. He's not going to daycare yet. He gets to spend the first year or so hanging out and keeping me company while I do research, file, meet with clients. 

I cannot complain about that.

Well, right as I was wiping my tears away, my dad called me to just say hi. 

"How do people do this? I mean..." I choked up.

My dad was more than understanding and sympathetic. "Now you know how your mom and I felt about you and your sister."

And of course, that triggered the tears again. 

But seriously. The US is the only industrialized country and one of the only countries in the world without a guaranteed paid maternity leave. FMLA grants you 12 weeks unpaid leave, and that's with strings attached. My employer didn't have to offer me 6 weeks paid leave, but did. My employer could didn't have to keep my job open for me, but did. My employer didn't have to say, "We're sorry we can only do the 6 weeks paid leave, but you can take indefinite unpaid leave." But did.

And here, in the United States, I've got it much better off than so many new parents, due to having an awesome employer who obviously loves and understands family and the importance of family. 

It just kills me though. If I didn't have this job, I'd have NO CHOICE. I would be a total mess. 

I can't help but think of everyone who hasn't had this. Who's had to return to work after 6 weeks off, not because you wanted to, but because financially, you had no choice. 

Ugh. My heart is breaking. I know many of you did it. I know so many of my friends who did this. 

But...again...why are we the only industrialized country with such family-unfriendly policies in place? How can it help the employer to have an employee who may resent you, resent the system, be constantly worried about their child? 

I mean, honestly, who is winning with the way things are right now?