Disappointed

This hurts.
In one week, I came to accept the pregnancy. To be excited over it.

And now. . .

I sit on the couch, mostly so I can cry by myself and not wake anyone up.

Now. . .
there is nothing.

No cruel pun intended, but I feel empty. Deflated.

I hadn't wanted a third child, but the possibility of it became a new dream of mine. “This is how our family is going to be” I thought.

And we're not.
And my god, if you've planned for years or just a few days, it still hurts to have those plans taken from you against your will.

Someone not so helpfully told me that I “must have subconsciously wanted to get pregnant” since I faced an unplanned pregnancy. I wonder if she'd also say I “subconsciously wanted a miscarriage”.

I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go in and pretend like I care. I don't want to choke back tears when I answer the phone. And god, I don't want to deal with a client who will see the happy 7 month old in my lap and ask if that's the last one.

Today, I don't care.
Today, I am mourning.