another

I haven't really felt angry with you.

I suppose I can't feel angry at you, because I do not understand your letter to me. You assumed that I would understand. You are too generous with your assumptions, my dear (for you are still quite dear to me.)

I didn't understand in August, and as time passes, the confusion only seems to grow.

I don't understand.

Let's say that you were healthy when you wrote it. What then? Why no contact? One doesn't not contact their family and their loved ones simply because they love them. And what, what does it mean to love someone too much?

I don't understand.

So I am left to draw my own conclusions. You have known me for nearly 7 years, you should know my own conclusions are dangerous.

My conclusions:
* I upset you because I have feelings of my own.
* I caused your illness and you know it, and are upset with me.
* You felt trapped by a child we both wanted.
* You found me unattractive after I had C.

I could go on, but there's no point. I also feel that these conclusions of mine can only be one thing: absolutely true, 100% correct, dead-on accurate.

I find myself hating me (well, more than usual), because I must have done something to turn you away.

I am too close to the situation to look at it rationally. I am too hurt to hear the gentle and encouraging words of others.

I remain convinced I am unlovable. I will forever be alone. I no longer have a partner with whom to walk through life.

But I am surrounded by friends who do. I look at their fiances, their husbands, their s/o's, and I wonder what is it about them that's different from you (aside from the obvious issue of they are healthier). What is it?

Then I examine my friends. Can I somehow learn to be lovable? That seems to be a trait you're born with--and I was not born with that trait.

You know, B, the past few days I've been astounding people. I've been joking, I've been absurd, I've been silly.

And I've not enjoyed one bit.

I'm convinced it's a reaction because it's socially appropriate to be silly. It's not socially appropriate to cry all the time. I've already been criticized by someone close to me, "What, you're not over him already? Face the facts, he left you. He's an ass, move on."

My god, don't you think I wish I could move on!?!

But I have too many questions..

no wonder you left me. I'm pathetic.