letter, unsent

I think of you often.

Over the past weeks, I have written you thousands of pages in my mind. I have questioned, I have speculated. I have been confused, I have felt fear for your safety and your health.

I have always loved you, though.

That will never die.

Should you truly decide you want nothing more to do with me, ever, my love for you will evolve. But I will always love you.

I am trying so hard to understand something I logically know I cannot understand. There is no rhyme or reason to this, and yet, I search for some rhyme, some hidden reason. I need there to be. Such a painful and senseless loss, such a nonsensical loss provides no closure, ever.

Can you feel how much I miss you?

Do you know that I dream of you, every night? Sometimes good, sometimes bad...mostly painful because in those dreams, I can contact you. When I wake up each morning, I gasp and relive the heartache of your absence. My heart races and slows as I realize you want no part of my life any more.

There is not one thing in this world that doesn't remind me of you because you were/are my whole world.

Eventually, I am going to have to write you. Upon 6 months, I will have to write you for C's sake, because she and I need to know what role, if any, you intend to play in her life. I dread writing that letter, because it has nothing to do with me or how I feel, how I miss you. It will be matter-of-fact, simple, and to the point.

And as C's birthday nears, as the holidays approach, I don't expect to hear a thing from you...

which is disappointing...

B, I love you with all my heart. You are not a burden to us. You are a treasure, and you are one of the most special people to me. You understand me better than I understand myself.

I love you, B. I'm sorry that I caused all of this. Yes, I know--it's silly and ridiculous to blame yourself for causing an illness in someone else--and yet, what other conclusion can I draw? I feel responsible for the pain you've endured...

I love you.