new year's eve eve

To say “I think of you often” isn’t accurate. I never stop thinking about you, wondering where you are, what you’re doing, and perhaps most importantly, how you’re doing.

I haven’t spoken with you in nearly 5 months. It’s hard to believe. I keep thinking back to when we first started hanging out together, and the one thought in my mind was, “whether it’s a romantic relationship or just a platonic friendship, I want him involved in my life always”. Your unique perspective and your amazing ability to make me laugh at myself astonished me. You taught me how to enjoy life.

But without you, I find there isn’t much to enjoy. I find myself failing to do the most basic of tasks. “What’s the point?” I wonder. This was the first election in my life that I haven’t been extremely involved in volunteering. I am someone quite politically active and “charged”—yet here was (arguably) the most exciting election of my lifetime, and I didn’t care too much. I did nothing, but cast a vote and do the bare minimum. The passion, the fire…it’s just not there.

So much has changed since I last spoke to you. (And yes, I replay that last conversation in my head over and over again. You told me you loved me! How?!)

Let me make a basic list of things you’ve missed since you chose to cut me from your life:
1. Apple died.
2. Sweetie had surgery.
3. I started seeing a nutritionist who actually helps.
4. Tom and I went to the Against Me! concert in October. (It was hard to enjoy, simply because I was/am still so lost without you).
5. C has grown. You may or may not recognize her, should you ever see her again. She can count to 10, loves to sing and dance, plays with the Legos you bought her, runs around, and talks in full sentences. You would be amazed at the beautiful person she is. God knows she didn’t get her inner beauty from me.

….and now I stop. Because how can I honestly make a list of everything you’ve missed? Every day, every moment, I have missed you. Have you missed us? I don’t know. Do you love us, as you claim? I don’t know.

I am trying so hard to understand your illness better, B, but I’m not even sure the diagnosis is correct. Whatever you do have, I love you. Putting a label on you doesn’t change my love for you. Love, Plato recognized, isn’t rational—and maybe this is a good thing, sweetheart.

I am crying right now. I remember last year, how I thought in 2008 things might just work out for us. Instead, they crumbled further and further. Further than I ever imagined. I am left foundationless. I am left hopeless. I face 2009 with some fear, not excitement, not hope. How much more am I expected to take? I find myself wondering as the New Year approaches.

But it’s just a day, right? It’s just a day like any other. U2 sings “nothing changes on New Year’s Day”, and it’s true.

Nothing changes on New Year’s Day. I wish I could continue the song and sing, “I will be with you again,” but that…that would be your line. It’s not for me to say.

For any and everything I’ve said or done that didn’t help you, I’m sorry.
For everything I’ve said out of anger, I’m sorry.

I replay these things in my head, and want to smack myself. What an ass! I know I was confused, scared, reacting out of fear. But…I still should have done better.

You deserve better.

Maybe that’s why you left.