September is 8-ish hours away from being over.
I am feeling good, in general, about life. I’ve gotten to talk more to some truly wonderful friends of mine who just happen to live in other states. I’ve reached out to them for support when life overwhelmed me. No one told me I was too needy, no one told me I was being a hysterical train wreck. (For some reason, I always expect to be told these things.)
My relationship with A seems to grow more solid every day. I can’t quite put it into words, but it really feels that the relationship is maturing and evolving in such a beautiful and healthy way.
C is doing well.
I’m getting more nervous about law school, taking the LSAT again, filling out applications—oh, and never mind actually narrowing-down to what schools I plan on applying. This anxiety, I am recognizing, tends to manifest itself as insecurities about everything in my life. I accept as much as I can that nothing is permanent. Some days, this is beautiful. Other days, this is terrifying.
I am aware, as always at this time of the year, of how quickly the day passes. The sun isn’t out for nearly long enough, and I’m prone to bouts of sadness in the dark winter. Upon seeing the thinning light, I cannot help but think about where I was three years ago: with B, in his car, slowly driving across the United States, from Seattle to Florida. I cannot help but remember the hope I had at the time for our future together. I still look back at my past and feel disoriented. What the hell happened?
But without that, I wouldn’t have C and A in my life, playing the roles they play so well. I wouldn’t be here.
Let me end this by taking up a little bit more space and writing down things (selfishly) I want:
1. For my family, friends, and I to be happy.
2. For my family, friends and I to be healthy.
3. To get into a good law school for me. I don’t know what this is yet, but my graduate school was not the healthiest place for me (or, apparently, any other female). A scholarship of some sort would be fabulous…
4. For our relationship to be legally recognized.
5. For more help and support from my family and community with C. It’s incredibly hard for me to go to meetings when people back out, last minute, of babysitting. Or when it’s just ‘inconvenient’ after being told, ‘sure, let me watch her every time you have a meeting.’
6. I would like to stop feeling embarrassed about number 5. I feel like the failures of other to live up to their promises reflects poorly on me. And it does, to some extent. I have missed so many meetings over the past months that I really wanted to attend. I cannot bring C to those meetings—I cannot focus or concentrate on real issues when I have to mind C. It’s so frustrating. So utterly frustrating and yes, even enraging. Why does being a mom = being silenced?
7. I want to quit worrying about how disgusting I feel. I joke all the time about being sexy, but…I don’t feel it. Really. It’s a very funny joke, but it comes from such a deep source of pain/anxiety. It was the only way I could distance myself from myself, if that makes sense. (Odd coping mechanism!)
8. To have time to focus on my Senate campaign! But given number 5 and 6…well, there are obstacles to be overcome there, too. Of course, I’m so fed up and disgusted with the sell-out of the health care “reform” (fuck us over, is a better way to think of it) that I’m ready to run as a single-mom who has no choice but to take her daughter with her on campaign stops, and has to hold her while giving speeches…
Ah…I think 8 is more than enough for now.
(My apologies about that pun, it was NOT intended).
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