Feeling passive aggressive (to put it mildly)

All right, where to begin...

You're probably aware I have a history of an eating disorder. And if you've ever talked to me about this, (or rather, I've talked to you), then you're aware much of this stems from my feeling undeserving of food, of life, of just about everything except pain.

But I'm in remission, and have been.

I have been majorly triggered and am feeling totally, utterly worthless right now.

And it all, of course, has to do with the damn wedding planning.

So here's the deal.

A and I got a quote for the place where the reception is. I talked to my mom about it, and she said, "We can do that."

My dad has faked-complained about spending money on it, which I had to tell him is a type of joke I cannot take. It makes me feel worthless.

So...today, as I'm leaving work, my dad says, "I've got to sell stock to pay for the wedding."

I turned around, tears in my eyes. "Thank you so much, Dad. I really appreciate it."

My dad stood there, looking perplexed. "Why are you thanking me? It's no big deal. It's your stock."

I don't remember what I said, but it was along the lines of "I'msorrywhat?"

"I thought you and your mother had agreed to this."

Um....how do I say this, Dad? How do I shoot the messenger without shooting the messenger?

"No." I said. "She told me that you all were going to cover it. I mean, I bought my dress, I'll buy my shoes, and C's dress...but she told me you all would pay for this."

My dad sighed. "I don't know why your mother does this." he said.

Agreed. I don't know why my mother does this. Without going into the details, it seems that my happiness makes my mom unhappy so she has to get back at me for being "happy" and "thriving." Quite honestly, I don't think this is a conscience effort on her part. She has her own issues involving her mother that she just hasn't and won't deal with--and I've learned, I cannot help someone unwilling to help themselves. So I let that go.

But this...this affects me. And it hurts. I feel worthless. I feel like, "Well, my parents aren't willing to even help me pay for a wedding that comes in under $3,000.00, so why the fuck should I eat?"

Seriously. What am I worth? I can fight tirelessly for inmates on death row to get proper visitation rights, but me?

I'm not worth much, if anything.

I'm so angry. I'm so disappointed. I'm so hurt.

And I feel stupid. Like I should have known this was too good to be true.

I feel like I'm a burden. I go through life feeling like this most of the time. If you didn't know this, well, it's the honest truth. It's a sucky way to go through life, but it's honestly just in my personality, I think. I've learned through cognitive behaviour therapy to not act like this is how I feel.

But yeah, I almost always feel like a worthless burden who doesn't deserve to live.

My parents have never told me that I'm worthless or a burden. They tell me quite the opposite.

But folks, actions and words, actions and words.

And I am apparently more sensitive to actions.

Is it any wonder I developed an ED as a way of coping with my depression when this is what I grew up with?

Or is my mom just getting more like her mother as she ages?

I don't know. But I'm a single mom who only just got a pay increase. I have medical bills to pay, and yeah, that is more important than a wedding.

I just feel like I'm encouraged to do things and then let down. Part of me, the passive aggressive part, wants to elope without my mom. I wouldn't do that, and I couldn't do that even if I wanted to; my dad and sister would ruin it. And my heart wouldn't let me, nor do I think A would go for it.

Fucking wedding drama. I hate this. I mean, when someone says, "We'll pay for that, we can do that"--well, how do you take that? Is is presumptious for me to assume that the person (MOM) means she'll pay for it and not sell the small amount of stock that I DO have?

So there ya' go. With all the shit that's happening in the world, I'm selfish enough to be having a pity party for myself. Which in turns, makes me feel crappier about myself.

I don't want to eat. I really just want...to...disappear.

Who, quite honestly, would care? I'm no one special! Yeah, people might be sad at first, but they'd get over it.

And no, I'm not going to off myself. But I'm indulging via my blog in one of the only ways I CAN indulge: writing a pity party.

This is part of life. This is part of life. Things will be okay, somehow. Sure, it might not be how I want, but...

Oh, wait. Nothing has been how I've wanted. I didn't want my first fiance to develop a mental illness. I didn't want to be a single mother. I didn't want to be made, yet again, to feel like a worthless blob that my parents would be happier without.

I keep thinking...well, nevermind for now. I need to calm down, at least a bit. I need to think about how to express to my mom that I am hurt. And I need to brace myself, because no one in the family ever argues with her. She doesn't argue/fight/what-have-you fairly or nicely.

Knock down blow out fight...some time this weekend. (My usual way of dealing with this is to stay silent. I can't. Damn therapy, actually worked!)

Can I please just disappear?