I am having a hard time "viewing" myself.
I go through phases like this. While I know I will probably never see myself realistically, there are times when I know I'm closer to reality than others.
And I know that these phases reflect change in my life. Whenever there is change, it's harder for me to realistically see myself. The change can be for better or for worse; it doesn't discriminate.
It is very hard for me to see myself realistically right now. All I can see is flab and flawed. I rarely look at myself in the mirror, and usually it's just my face and hair that I'm examining. I have learned to not scrutinize my body. And yet, I cannot escape my body. I inhabit it. I shower, I see myself. I am aware, too, of my location spatially. I know how much room I take up, and it's uncomfortable to me that I take up any space. (Extend that metaphor emotionally, too.)
The disconnect is driving me crazy right now. I know I am not this hideous piece of flesh that takes up far too much space. I know this.
But I don't feel this. The change in my life right now is awesome change I never dreamed would happen to me again. I am in love, I feel loved. I am being encouraged by him, by his attention to me, to take up space. To live.
My god, how I want to! And my god, how terrifying this is to me! If I take up space, if I put myself out there and really live...
I don't know. I guess sometimes it's just life that scare me. The idea of life. Because when it comes down to it, I really do enjoy living.
Hm...weird ramble from me. If it makes no sense to you, I apologize. Ask me questions, it helps me to talk this out.
Let me sum up my post:
1. I am experiencing a change in my life. A good change, but change nonetheless.
2. When I experience changes in my life, my perception of myself changes.
3. As my perception of myself changes, I become (more) unable to view myself realistically. I can only see the negatives.
Okay, I think I'm done thinking out loud for now.
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