Ah, Fate...

I needed to take a quick break from work, so I went to a nearby store.

When I walked in, I was overwhelmed by the music that was playing overhead. It was a song that used to give me hope when I was with B...hope that he would get better, hope for us as a couple and as a family.

"'cause I don't shine if you don't shine...put your back on me..." were the lyrics that brought me to tears. At that time--in 2007--I was still reeling from the past year, the manic traveling sprees zigzagging across the USA. The memories of being with someone truly psychotic and doing everything I could to save his life while stranded in so many ways were still very fresh.

It's funny: it was only a couple weeks ago that I thought, "Hm, maybe I was traumatized by B's mania and the summer and autumn of 2006."

I hadn't heard that song in ages. Yet I walked into the store, and I almost lost my footing. My knees became weak, I started shaking.

But I didn't cry.

Instead, I listened. I listened not just to that song, but to the universe maybe? I don't know, but it doesn't seem like it was random coincidence that the song was playing when I walked into the store mid-day today. It felt destined. Fated. It is necessary to remember the past and your own history as you move into the future. I don't believe that I'll ever forget B or my time with him--the good times and manic times--but as I'm about to embark in a New Direction in my life, as I continue to grow, thrive, flourish, and take risks--it's good to be reminded of where I've been. Of my own history.

It just felt necessary. Painful, yes, but the pain passed. A glimpse at the tragedy of the past, of the beauty of the past, of the strangeness of life as our own future is blossoming and burgeoning before us...

Ah, Fate...