Engaging myself in elenchus

So, things in my life have been going pretty well.

Yes, it’s still far from perfect. Life will never be perfect, so I suppose it’s still far from ideal.

But every day, my life seems to grow more complete and more full.

There is a part of me, however, that is extremely resistant to change. This is the anorexic part of me, the rigid, inflexible part of me.

While I was driving to work this morning, singing to Radiohead for C (she likes my voice), I suddenly thought, what am I doing? Moving in with A? This is crazy, I can’t do this.

Perhaps my philosophical training is what encouraged me to question myself and those thoughts.

“Why do I feel this way?”
I don’t know.
“Where did that feeling come from?”
It’s all quite overwhelming, isn’t it? I’m doing something overwhelming, something I’ve never done before. What if it doesn’t work out?
“Well, what if it doesn’t work out? It won’t be the end of the world. Yes, it will be very hard and very painful, but hardship and pain is nothing new to you.”
I suppose…
”And be honest with yourself: you will face hardship and pain in life. You cannot avoid it.”
True, true.
“So what’s scary about it?”
It’s different. Moving in with A is different. It’s change. I’ll have to make new routines for myself, adjust to living with yet another person.
“But you love this person.”
Most definitely!
“And you want to spend all your time with him.”
I do!
“Maybe that won’t be the only time you say ‘I do’ to him…”
hey! ;)
“Trust yourself. You have never regretted any major decision you’ve made, right?”
Right.
“What does your instinct say?”
Go for it!
“And who always attempts to undermine your instinct?”
My anorexia, my depression, my eating disorder.
“Right. Don’t you think it’s telling that it’s only now, nearly five months into the relationship, that you’re beginning to get a little nervous about something you know you want?”
I see your point. I guess this concern is really just my eating disorder rearing its head?
“That’s what I think is happening.”
That makes sense. That explains why I’ve had the urge to empty my stomach after eating dinner the past two nights. It’s change. It’s the unknown.
“Exactly. But think about how exhilarating this is going to be.”
I know…I am so excited. I love A so much, I feel more complete around him.
“What’s my motto? Flourish. Thrive. Risk.”

Flourish.
Thrive.
Risk.

Amen.