letter to a friend

A lovely, amazing friend of mine sent me a message this morning, expressing her slight concern about how quickly things are moving with A and me.

This was my heartfelt response to her.

I am very flattered and honoured about your concern. Truly. It must have been, well, not the easiest thing to speak up about. I am so loved, I honestly feel very special to have your love and concern, M.

I hope I can put your concerns to rest some. I want to call you to talk, but it's 7:42 am here...so let me put this into words the best I can.

I have thought this through. With my heart and my mind. And I've thought about my past long and hard too, as well as the future.

From my past, I can tell you this:
1. I am incredibly determined. I do not give up easily once an idea is in my head.
2. I have absolutely no regrets in my life. Every time I have trusted my instinct, it has been right.
3. I "know" A's family and have "known" them since I was 8 or 9. (I was friends with his sister, remember?) They are incredibly open and loving people. (A big difference from B's parents). I say this because often with B, I would look at his family and think "Where did you come from? How can you possibly possess the ability to love any one other than yourself IF you came from these people?" With A, I see his family, I see the respect he has for his parents and his younger sister, and I see nothing but love. Sure, they don't always get along. They're a family, it would be strange if they did get along all the time. But I see respect and love throughout the disagreements and not-so-happy times.
4. I have never dated "casually." I tend to be very selective (unintentionally), and once I've been on a date, a relationship has always ensued.

For the future, I can tell you:
1. A is planning on relocating everything--his home, his store--to wherever I get in to law school (assuming I'm accepted).
2. A is willing to be a part of C's life, no matter what happens between us. This was an awkward yet essential conversation.
3. With B and his illness, there came a time in October 2007 when he said something to me about being unable to change C's diaper. Something about it was too sexual. I cannot tell you how protective, heartbroken, afraid, and just in total shock this made me. I have a couple married friends with children, and I have never once let the "father" change C's diaper. Ever since B's comment, it felt so uncomfortable. There is something about A that it doesn't seem weird. No, I've not let him change her diaper, but I don't get annoyed/flustered/frustrated if he watches me change her diaper. I don't think, "Omg, he's a perv." He interacts with C, distracting her from kicking. He's looking at her face, not...that my protective "I-will-kill-you-if-you-hurt-or-think-about-hurting-my-daughter" radar is "resting" (it's still there) speaks volumes to both of us.

Let me say this. A is not perfect. He's not. But I don't feel that I'm settling or...whatever. The imperfections I have seen thus far are minor. He knows that I'm not perfect.

He is 32, and has--from the beginning, before he met C--expressed a desire for a family. Before he met C, I had an opportunity to watch him interact with a child 6 months younger than her. He was fantastic with that child.

I know this all must seem so soon, that we are rushing. Our first date was only four months ago, and talk of moving in together cropped up in...the beginning of April. Some point last week, A said something to me about he figured we would wait 6 months to move in for the parents. No, I said, let's not do that. (It's MY parents he's concerned about.) This is something we both want, we've really talked this through, we have some plans on how to deal and cope when an issue arises, we're willing and ready to talk things out...let's not wait six months. I cannot live my life to appease others; I've spent too much of my life trying to do that, and I've been sick emotionally from that. Besides, honestly, it's going to take a month at least for him to prepare his home and for me to gather our stuff. AT LEAST a month. So we might as well start now.

One thing I LOVE about A is that he has some very good friends that he talks to, and they've expressed similar concerns. "You know buddy, every minute you spend with that little girl, you're becoming more and more of a father figure to her." said Tom, in Philadelphia. Last weekend, C and I spent both Friday and Saturday night at A's. It felt very comfortable. Natural. The only issue was that she didn't have her own room, she didn't have her own toys, etc, so that disrupted her routine a bit.

I have talked with my psychologist about this, of course. I see her at least once a week. She knows me pretty well, and feels more like a wise aunt who knows how and when to push buttons. She said, when I started dating him, "I bet by summer, you'll have moved in with him." I laughed at her prediction. She and I have talked this over several times, too. I have accepted that one day, A will break my heart. It may be through a break-up, it may be through a shitty action, it may be through dying. One day, we won't be a couple.

It's not fun to think about, but it's necessary. I am accepting A into my life, knowing that heartbreak will find me again. But it will no matter what. I am accepting A into my life as a present, and am enjoying everything my life has to offer me. Life is still far from perfect.

The three words I am trying to live by are:
Thrive
Flourish
Risk

Understand that "risk" comes into play because of my ED. My ED makes me restrictive of everything. M, I knew something was up with my relationship with A because--and this may sound stupid and trivial--I ate breakfast at his place without any thought of fat, calorie, or purging. Not one. I ate a healthy breakfast there without freaking out or blinking an eye. It was only on my way home that morning I thought, "Whoa, I just ate breakfast for the first time in X years." (yes, it's been years.)

A nutritionist I met (who rocks) told me that she's been able to see her ED as a gift, in some ways. That we can utilize our ED feelings towards food as signals to check-in with ourselves. It makes sense, no? And I am seeing my ability to eat breakfast with A, without even thinking about it, as a gift and a sign of how comfortable I am with him.

I definitely hope to talk to you some more about this, M. I so appreciate your support and love and concern. I cannot thank you enough. Writing this all out has been a good mental and emotional exercise too.

I know it seems fast, but that's how I tend to be in relationships. Okay, wow, that sounds bad...but I think you know what I mean.

I constantly am thinking about this. Analyzing it. Approaching it from other angles. "Is this right?"

My head says, "yes. You are comfortable, and C is safe and happy."
My heart says, "Go for it."