I am not comfortable being loved.
I had a melt down last night. I contained myself, but a couple tears slipped down my cheek and A noticed.
Of course he noticed.
I couldn't bring myself to tell him the complete truth. "I don't understand why you love me."
or
"I'm just waiting for you to decide you want nothing to do with me."
I explained it as "I was just overwhelmed, and it's a good overwhelmed."
He, strangely enough, keeps wondering (apparently) when I'm going to decide moving in with him was a mistake.
How on earth could I think that? And yet, if I told him what I really was thinking last night, he would probably wonder the same thing.
Moving has brought up a lot of feelings for me. It always does.
I guess the main thing is I feel unlovable. Unworthy of love.
And being happy is something scary to me. I know, how sad. But it's been so long since I've been happy. I'm afraid to trust it. I'm afraid to trust myself.
I'm afraid...of the unknown. And being Stoic, I should remind myself that I cannot control A. I can only do my best.
I took a risk.
Now I hope to thrive and flourish.
*hopes*
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