Oh, to get a moment of relief, a break from all of this!
I sleep, and yet then I am haunted by my dreams, just as Hamlet feared.
My dreams are too real. I just dreamt that I was talking to B, and he was explaining his letter to me. He was rambling, he seemed manic; how realistic!
I jolt awake at 3 am. I lie in bed, my breathing quick. My hands shake. There is too much adrenaline in my system, I'm not falling back to sleep yet. When battling insomnia, I have read in the past, but the book I'm reading is making me a little too sad. I feel like when I sit in bed, awake, I'm just sitting and marinating in all my painful thoughts. I come to the computer because it distracts me from the voices in my head, the negatives, the hypotheticals, the anxiety and fear. I talk to others in a forum about something that happened a long time ago. I read about world events that seem minor, petty, unimportant in lieu of what I'm facing.
The computer distracts me, though. The voices are still there. What if... and I assume the worst case scenario.
This is so hard. It hurts so much. I feel so empty, literally. I physically feel empty. And I long to feel full again.
Only I fear I never will feel full, feel complete, ever again.
Everything reminds me of him and of the good times we had.
Where did they go? What happened?
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