dreams

I had a dream this morning, right before I woke up. In my dream, B and I were talking about our relationship. This seems to be a fairly common dream of mine of late. He confided in me, something about a knife. I took the knife from him. He started crying with relief that I had the knife. I started crying and held him. In the dream, the feeling of his small body in my arms, pressed against my body, was so real that I could feel his heartbeat and the warmth of his body. I could smell him...

This dream has been haunting me all morning, and put me in a sour mood. The issue with the knife is something very real to me…something very troubling...twice, in phases of mania, B has told me to keep him away from knives. This was always a very odd request, given that both times he said this we were not near any knives. But I went along with him (is this how I’m part of the problem? I went along with his delusions?...) and promised I would keep him away from knives. I took his old pocket knife and kept it in my purse. In fact, it’s still in that purse I carried with us two years ago. He never asked for it back, and I don’t keep a very tidy purse.

These thoughts and these memories keep bubbling up, interrupting me in the midst of work, when I play with my daughter. These thoughts and concerns are taking a physical toll on me, too. My head aches, I have no appetite, my joints hurt, something feels intrinsically wrong.

I can’t make things feel “right”, though.