I met with the nutrition therapist yesterday, Dr. K. I liked her, a lot. Up until yesterday, I haven’t had a good experience with a dietitian; they have all been petite women who would tell me to just have a milkshake, or try adding mayonnaise to my sandwich, ignoring my warnings of “I don’t like mayonnaise” and not seeing the impossibility of someone struggling with an ED to try gulping down a milkshake.
Dr. K is a tall woman. She looks a little like an Amazon warrior, I think. She was willing to move slowly with me. She seemed to understand my eating disorder very well, and also knew how to get me curious about healing. I know the next couple months will be very challenging and filled with hard work, but I am looking forward to it.
One thing Dr. K said to me was that I have numbed my hunger; I no longer feel hungry. I agreed with that, and realized that I numb my hunger the same way I numb my feelings. Food is indeed a symbol that all of us use, whether afflicted with an ED or not, to express ourselves. I use food to numb myself from life; and at the same time, I am screaming, “Don’t let me numb myself out!” I don’t want to be numb again. I want to enjoy life; and that’s what recovering from an ED is about: learning to enjoy life again.
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