Tone of voice

I need to realize that I should just be quiet around my sister. No wonder I want to disappear. I find her to be dominating in a negative way.

Last night, for example, I stupidly let her drag me into an argument. I blame being too tired to think straight for this, having been nursing a sick C. Anyway, I apparently said something in a nasty tone of voice. I didn’t think it was nasty, tried to explain that I didn’t think it was nasty, but I still apologized. She huffed (she huffs a lot) and made some cruel remark about my tone of voice when apologizing and that she didn’t believe me.

*sigh* Oh, I’m sorry I’m not the perkiest person in the world. I’ve been sleep deprived due to heartbreak and a sick child. What a crappy person I must be, to not be perky and happy and damnit, even nice all the freaking time.

As I was going to bed, I stood in my door way to attempt to apologize to H. Alas, H had cornered my mom and was whispering loudly about what a horrible person I am. I’m sure my mom agreed. Hell, even I agree. But I’m not horrible for this. Anyway, H saw me and said “She’s listening!”

My god, H, my life is not a conspiracy to trick you! Yet she seems to think it is. She just can’t let go of soooo much, and seems to think the world revolves around her. And yet, at other times, she’s so sweet and compassionate.

I called out a sincere apology to her again, and she rolled her eyes, muttering “yeah right.”

When I closed the door to my room, I cried.
I wanted to talk to someone, but whom do I call? I can’t call B, and he’s the one who used to understand me best. He knew what to say, how to say it, how to console me, etc.

So in the end, my fight with my sister hurt double. I hate arguing with her, and it made me miss B that much more.

This pain is endless.