The most vicious cycle

I'm not sure how much sense this will make. It can be difficult to translate your thoughts into written words.

My anorexia and my depression send me the message that I don't matter. That whatever it is, I'm not worth it. I come to believe that I shouldn't take up time, space...I shouldn't be, in other words.

By not eating, it is obvious (I think) that I am trying to deny my own existence.

However, by not eating, I am also screaming for help. I become someone who is painfully thin, someone who stands out in a crowd--stands out in a negative way, crying for attention, for help, for someone to hear that she is in pain. She needs to be acknowledged.


I am a walking contradiction in this way...and in so many others.

What frustrates me the most at the moment is that I have no one to confide in about my emotions. The one person I'm used to sharing my inner most thoughts and fears with, B, is not mentally healthy enough to offer me the support and encouragement I'm used to from him.

This only fuels my feelings of unworthiness, of being undeserving.

*sighs* The most vicious cycle, the cruelest battle ever fought, is raging in my head.