When B was manic, he made some remarks that made me uncomfortable. He would comment about other women’s attractiveness, and well…if you’re reading this, you can tell I’m insecure to begin with. But some of what he said is enough to make even the most self-assured person doubt themselves.
It’s frustrating, too, that he doesn’t seem to understand that these remarks could do damage. Yes, you were manic…but my feelings don’t go on break during your episodes. My issues don’t disappear because you thrust your issues on my already full plate.
Anyway, last night he mentioned that he had played tennis (oh my god, tennis—really? Can you be any more…?) with H. Now, H is a family friend.
H is a family friend who B proclaimed as “hot” during an episode. Not once, but several times.
Um…am I supposed to be happy that you played tennis with H, B? I know you think she’s hot.
But this is the tip of the iceberg. This one event he mentioned last night on the phone brought up more issues:
- Why have I only seen him once in the past two months? (B isn’t allowed to drive at the moment, a good thing.)
- If I’m “part of the family” as he and his parents declare, why am I not included in the treatment?
- Why am I not included in basic plans? I’m never invited to dinner, but I’m constantly inviting them up…
- Why am I, at the very least, not given updates?
- Who should I call if there is an emergency with our daughter, since B no longer has a cell phone?
It hurts to realize that I am bending over backwards. I feel ashamed of how pathetic I think I’m acting. I love B, but my god; do you really think that simply saying “I love you” is going to make everything better?
I wonder if this relationship can be salvaged. He says he needs me, he loves me, blah-blah-blah. Those are just words, and I’ve been told a lot of words over the past two years of this battle.
And I have watched those words shift…from Truth to Falsehood…
I’m more than a little overwhelmed at the moment.
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