puddle of pathos

I’ve been acting very pathetic lately.

Since I’ve not heard from B in over 2 weeks now, I am wandering around, missing my other half. To quote Aristophanes’ speech in Plato’s Symposium

After the division the two parts of humans, each desiring their other half, came together, and throwing their arms about one another, entwined in mutual embraces, longing to grow into one, they began to die from hunger and self-neglect, because they did not like to do anything apart; and when one of the halves died and the other survived, the survivor sought another mate, man or woman as we call them,--being the sections of entire men or women,--and clung to that.

Thus they were being destroyed, when Zeus in pity invented a new plan: he turned the parts of generation round to the front, for this had not been always their position, and they sowed the seed no longer as hitherto like grasshoppers in the ground, but in one another; and after the transposition the male generated in the female in order that by the mutual embraces of man and woman they might breed, and the race might continue; or if man came to man they might be satisfied, and rest, and go their ways to the business of life. So ancient is the desire of one another which is implanted in us, reuniting our original nature, seeking to make one of two, and to heal the state of man.

I am pathetic because everything reminds me of B and of the good times we had. I hear a song, and I think of him. It doesn’t have to be a song I enjoy, just about any song, and I wistfully remember that “the last time I heard that song, B and I were talking regularly. He hadn’t cut me from his life yet.”

I see couples every where. Happy couples, lovingly touching the small of their partners back at a party, exchanging a longing look in the line of the grocery store, laughing together with the joy that only your “other half” can bring. I resent them. Is that the right word? I’m envious of them. I want to scream, “I ONCE HAD THAT!” I miss everything about being a couple, even the arguments and compromise. I miss having a second parent to help me with C, I miss falling asleep next to him, I miss waking up in the middle of the night and listening to his breathing. All these tiny, intimate details break my heart repeatedly throughout the day.

The killer is that I don’t know if B and I are still a couple. It certainly doesn’t feel like it, though damnit, I love him more than ever. I’m furious with him, I’m hurt by him, and I love him more than ever.

I am mourning.

I am a pathetic mess.

I feel so utterly alone right now.

I don’t know how to end this entry…this will do for now.